The Floating Cork

Where the hell am I going in this life?

2010-07-06T19:19:00.002+12:00

It's that time again for me. Questions about my life plague me.

Why am I not a veterinarian right now? It's been 6 months since I could be one.
Why haven't I applied to more jobs?
What is holding me back?
Why am I hesitating?
What the hell am I doing with my life?

In February I moved from Palmerston North to the beautiful Hawkes Bay to pick apples. The tentative plan was to pick apples while looking for a vet job. The apple picking was a job that would be very easy to walk away from, hence why I did it. It is now July and I am still working with the same seasonal job, but I've moved on to grape pruning at a vineyard. What the hell?

Recently, I started truly questioning why I haven't moved on to what I should be doing. I borrowed a book from the library entitled, "What color is you parachute" which is a guide to getting a job. One of the exercises in it looked at what my passions are in life and asked a series of questions to try to define said passions. What I came up with sort of shocked me, because the answers had nothing to do with being a veterinarian and had everything to do with deepening my understanding about my spirituality, about traveling, and about helping people understand their own spirituality.

It answered the question about why I'm still not a veterinarian. If I can't put my heart into something 100%, I'm not going to make the effort into trying to make it happen.

This morning I decided I was totally stuck on a wall, one side was attaining a vet job, the other was to completely go for deepening my spiritual understanding of myself and of the universe. This afternoon I got a call from an old friend of mine who is a recent veterinarian. She had just come back from an interview for a job that totally made her think of me. We had a long discussion on the job and on where I was with getting one. She reminded me of what she said to me a while ago, she doesn't know if this is what she wants to do for the rest of her life, but she is giving it a go because she has the training and the skills to do the job.

Wait a second, I am in the same mind-set as her. Yet, she is out there making something of herself while I am not. It has snapped me out of my funk somewhat.

Being a vet will not hamper my spiritual growth. If anything, it will enhance it because it will be a whole new challenge. It will give me the mental stimulation that I have been craving since February and it will allow me to see what I am made of.

I have always believed that following my heart is the best thing I can do, because it won't steer me wrong. I also believe that there is no such things as coincidences. The Universe is giving me the opportunity to embark on an exciting path in my life and I would like to utilize this opportunity. So I will.

My heart has been fuzzy to me lately, nothing has been crystal clear to me as it has in the past. I believe that when I finally clear away those cobwebs, the answer will be staring me in the face.

Where did I leave that broom?

2010-03-24T12:03:00.002+13:00

...the potential for a greatly improved experience is always born from a unwanted experience; and, in time (whenever resistance ceases), the improvement will come

This little excerpt is from the book The Vortex by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It is something that I have just learned, again. It is true, when you go through a bad or difficult situation, as soon as you cease resisting what is happening, everything becomes easier.

With relationships, as soon as you completely let go of the person/situation, something better comes along. I know I have trouble letting go, I tend to instill a lot of beliefs about a person which makes letting them go almost scary. It's like I'm giving up the chance for whatever it is to be in my life. What I need to remember is that, that chance will come again, if I stop resisting letting it happen!

Get out of my own way, why don't I?

The Three Faces of Victim

2010-02-17T20:05:00.004+13:00

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

By Lynne Forrest

Revised 2008

Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.

Victim-hood can be defined by the three positions beautifully outlined in a diagram developed by a well respected psychiatrist, and teacher of Transactional Analysis, named Stephen Karpman. He calls it the “drama triangle”, I will refer to it as the victim triangle. Having discovered this resource some thirty years ago, it has become one of the more important tools in my personal and professional life. The more I teach and apply the victim triangle to relationship the deeper my appreciation grows for this simple, powerfully accurate instrument.

I’ve sometimes referred to the victim triangle as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life themes that create shame. This has the effect of reinforcing old, painful beliefs that keep us stuck in a limited version of reality.

I believe that every dysfunctional interaction, in relationship with other or self, takes place on the victim triangle. But until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them. And unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

The three roles on the victim triangle are Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of victim. No matter where we may start out on the triangle, victim is where we end up, therefore no matter what role we’re in on the triangle, we’re in victimhood. If we’re on the triangle we’re living as victims, plain and simple!

Each person has a primary or most familiar role - what I call their “starting gate” position. This is the place from which we generally enter, or “get hooked” onto, the triangle. We first learn our starting gate position in our family of origin. Although we each have a role with which we most identify, once we’re on the triangle, we automatically rotate through all the positions, going completely around the triangle, sometimes in a matter of minutes, or even seconds, many times every day.

Starting gate Rescuers (SGR) see themselves as “helpers” and “caretakers”. They need someone to rescue (victim) in order to feel vital and important. It's difficult for SGR’s to recognize themselves as ever being in a victim position - they’re the ones with the answers after all.

Starting Gate Persecutors (SGP), on the other hand, identify themselves primarily as victims. They are usually in complete denial about their blaming tactics. When it is pointed out to them, they argue that attack is warranted and necessary for self protection. These two - the Rescuer and the Persecutor - are the two opposite extremes of Victim. But again, regardless of where we start out on the triangle, all roles eventually end up in victim. It's inevitable.

You may notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. These roles assume a “one-up” position over others, meaning they relate as though they are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the victim, who is in the one-down position at the bottom of the triangle, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from always looking up. Feeling “looked down upon” or “worth- less than” the others, the Victim builds resentment and sooner or later, retaliation follows. A natural progression from victim to persecutor follows. This generally moves the persecutor or rescuer into victim. Reminiscent of a not-so-musical game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions.

Here's an example: Dad comes home from work to find mom and Junior engaged in battle. "Clean up your room or else," mom threatens. Dad immediately comes to the rescue. "Mom," he might say, "give the boy a break. He’s been at school all day".

Any one of several possibilities might follow. Perhaps Mom, feeling victimized by Dad, will turn her wrath on him. In that case, dad is moved from Rescuer to Victim. They, then might do a few quick trips around the triangle with Junior on the sidelines.

Or maybe Junior joins Dad in a persecutory "Let's gang up on mom" approach, or then again, maybe Junior will turn on Dad, rescuing Mom, with, "Mind your own business, Dad. I don't need your help!" So it goes, with endless variation, but nonetheless, pinging from corner to corner on the triangle. For many families, it's the only way they know to interact.

Our starting-gate position on the victim triangle is not only where we most often enter the triangle, it is also the role through which we actually define ourselves. It becomes a strong part of our identity. Each starting-gate position has its own particular way of seeing and reacting to the world. We all have unconscious core beliefs acquired in childhood, derived from our interpretation of early family encounters. These become “life themes” that predispose us towards the unconscious selection of a particular starting gate position on the triangle.

Sally’s mother was an invalid who was addicted to prescription drugs. From Sally’s earliest memory she reported feeling ultimately responsible for her mother. Instead of getting appropriate care from a parent who was concerned for her well being, she became the “little parent” of a mother who played the part of a helpless child. This childhood scenario set Sally up with a “life script” that predisposed her towards becoming a Starting Gate Rescuer (SGR). Care-taking others became her primary way of relating to others.

SGR’s, like Sally have an unconscious core belief that might go something like this; “My needs are not important ... I am only valued for what I can do for others”. Of course, believing these ideas requires that she have someone in her life she can rescue (a victim). How else will someone like Sally get to feel valuable and worthwhile?
Sally would never admit to being a victim because in her mind she is the one who must have the answers. Nonetheless, she does, in fact, rotate through victim on the triangle on a regular basis. A SGR in the victim role becomes a martyr, complaining loudly, "After all I've done for you ... this is the thanks I get!"

Starting Gate Persecutors (SGP's), on the other hand, do see themselves as victims in need of protection. This is how they can so easily justify their vengeful behavior ... “They asked for it and they got what they deserved", That’s the way they see it. Their core belief might go something like this; “The world is dangerous, people can’t be trusted so I need to get them before they hurt me.” This attitude sets them up to think that they must strike out in order to defend against inevitable attack.

Whereas a SGR may move into the role of persecutor by withdrawing their care-taking, (“That’s it - I’m not doing anything else for you!”) a SGP rescues in a way that is almost as painful as when they persecute.

Bob is a doctor who often justified hurting others. Attack is his primary way of dealing with inconvenience, frustration or pain. Once, for instance, he mentioned running into a patient of his on the golf course. Our dialogue went something like this;

“Lynne, can you believe that patient had the nerve to ask me to treat his bad knee, right then and there, on my only day off?"

“Yeah”, I replied, “some people just don’t have appropriate boundaries. How did you handle it?”

"Oh, I took him to my office for a treatment, all right,” he chuckled, “and I gave him a steroid shot he’ll never forget!

In other words Bob rescued his inconsiderate patient but in a way that “punished” him for daring to be so bold. To Bob, his action seemed rational, even justified. His patient had infringed on his free time, therefore, he believed, his patient deserved the rough treatment he got. This is a prime example of SGP thinking. Bob didn’t realize that he could have just said no to his patients request for treatment. He did not have to feel victimized by, nor did he need to rescue his patient. Setting boundaries never occurred to Bob as an option. In his mind he had been treated unjustly and therefore he had the right, even the obligation, to get even.

Victims also have core beliefs that set them up for their starting gate position on the triangle. Starting Gate Victim’s (SGV's) believe they cannot take care of themselves. They see themselves as consistently unable to handle life. They even rescue from a one-down position, saying things to their potential rescuer like "You're the only one who can help me.” These are words that any SGR longs to hear!

Starting gate positions are generally set-up in childhood. For instance, if a parent does not ask their children to take age-appropriate responsibility for themselves, they may grow up either to become adults who feel inadequate at taking care of themselves (starting gate victim) or become resentful adults who blame others when they don’t get care-taken. (a persecutor role). Either way, they are set up for a lifetime on the victim triangle.

There are many variations, and each case needs to be individually considered. We not only act out these triangular distortions in our everyday relations with others, but we also play out the victim triangle internally. We move around the triangle as rapidly inside our own minds as we do out in the world. We ensnare ourselves on the triangle with dishonest and dysfunctional internal dialogue. For example, we may come down hard on ourselves for not completing a project. Perhaps we lambast ourselves as being lazy, inadequate or defective (P), causing us to spiral into feelings of anger and self-worthlessness. Inwardly, we cower to this persecutory voice, fearing it may be right (V). Finally when we can’t bear it anymore, we take ourselves off the hook by justifying, minimizing or indulging in some form of escape. This is how we rescue ourselves. This could go on for minutes, hours or days.

Sometimes we rescue ourselves and others by denying what we know - sort of like; "If I look the other way and pretend not to notice, it will go away". Denial or inner drama of any kind perpetuates a vicious cycle of shame and self loathing. Moving around the triangle keeps the self-disparaging messages running.The victim triangle becomes our very own shame-making machine. It’s up to us to learn how to turn this noisy mental machine off.

We can’t get off the triangle until we recognize we’re on it. Once we make it conscious, we observe our interactions with others as a way to identify our own starting gate position. What hooks us? From where do I enter the triangle once I’ve been hooked? We begin to train our Internal Observer to notice, without judgment, our conversations with loved ones, especially those more “sticky” moments (where we walk on eggshells).

It’s helpful to learn what the costs and trade-offs are for each of the three roles. Each role has its own language, beliefs and behavior - it’s beneficial to know them. This helps us to identify when we’re on the triangle. Studying the roles also promotes a quicker recognition of when we’re being baited to play. With all that in mind, let's examine each role more carefully.

Rescuer

The Rescuer might be described as a shadow aspect of the mother principle. Instead of an appropriate expression of support and nurturing, the Rescuer tends to “smother”, control and manipulate others - “for their own good”, of course. Theirs is a misguided understanding of what it is to encourage, empower and protect.

A Starting Gate Rescuer is the classic, co-dependent. The SGR tends be enabling, overly protective - the one who wants to "fix it". Rescuing is an addiction that comes from an unconscious need to feel valued. There’s no better way to feel important than to be a savior! Taking care of others may be the Rescuers best game plan for getting to feel worthwhile.
SGR’s usually grow up in families where their dependency needs are not acknowledged. It’s a psychological fact that we treat ourselves the way we were treated as children. The budding Rescuer grows up in an environment where their needs are negated and so tend to treat themselves with the same degree of negligence that they experienced as children. Without permission to take care of themselves, their needs go underground and they turn instead to taking care of others.

A SGR often gains great satisfaction by identifying with their care-taking role. They are generally proud of what “helpers” and “fixers” they are. Often they are socially acclaimed, even rewarded, for what can be seen as “selfless acts" of caring. They believe in their goodness as chief caretakers and see themselves as heroes.

Behind it all is a magical belief that, said out loud, might sound like, “If I take care of them long enough, then, sooner or later, they will take care of me too.” But, as we’ve already learned, this rarely happens. When we rescue the needy, we can’t expect anything back. They can’t even take care of themselves - much less be there for us!

Often the resulting disappointment sends the SGR spiraling into depression. They fail to see that they, themselves are heading straight for victim through their enabling and disabling responses. Having denied the ill-begotten consequences of rescuing, these “do-gooders” find it very hard to hear themselves referred to as a victim even while they complain about how mistreated they are! Martyr is what a SGR turns into once they’ve moved into the victim position on the triangle.

Betrayal, feeling used and hopeless are trademark feelings of the victim phase of a Rescuer's dance around the triangle. Common phrases for the martyred SGR are; "After all I've done for you, this is the thanks I get?" or "No matter how much I do, it's never enough"; or, "If you loved me, you wouldn’t treat me like this!"

A SGR’s greatest fear is that they will end up alone. They believe that their total value comes from how much they do for others. It’s difficult for them to see their worth beyond what they have to offer in the way of “stuff” or “service”. SGR’s unconsciously encourage dependency because they believe, “If you need me, you won’t leave me”. They scramble to make themselves indispensable in order to avoid abandonment.

SGR’s are oblivious to the crippling dependency they foster. They are unaware of the disabling messages they send through their enabling interaction with others. The more they rescue, the less self responsibility is taken by the ones they care-take ... The less responsibility their charges takes, the more they rescue ... it’s a downward spiral that often ends in disaster.

A SGR mother of two out-of-control, teenage sons described it well. She said, “I thought my role as a good mother was to make sure my sons toed the line - I thought I was supposed to make sure they did the right thing. Because I believed that I was responsible for the choices they made, I told them what to do and constantly attempted to control their behavior.”
Should she be surprised then that her sons blame everyone around them for the painful consequences they experience as a result of their own poor choices? Like her, they have learned to think that their behavior is her responsibility, not their own. Her incessant and futile attempts to control them causes constant battle between them, making it easy for the boys to blame their mother for the problems created by their own irresponsibility. Out of her own need to be seen as a “good mom”, this co-dependent mother unwittingly taught her sons to see themselves as hapless victims whose unhappiness was always somebody else’s fault. There’s a good possibility that at least one of these boys will become a Starting Gate Persecutor. Certainly the set up is in place for that to happen.

This mother, as is often the case, was convinced that her sons were incapable of making good choices. She had a long list of evidence to back up her concerns. This accumulated evidence justified her “obligation” to control her sons choices. But because they were teenagers, she could no longer force their compliance like she could when they were younger. Inevitably she would end up feeling helpless, inadequate and like a failure as a mother (victim position). She would either give in to their demands or “persecute” them for not obeying. Either way, she (and they) felt bad. Then would come the guilt or remorse which would motivate her to try to “fix it” once again. And she finds herself back in her original Starting Gate Rescuer position for the cycle to start anew.

We met Sally earlier, who grew up seeing her mother as helpless and ineffectual. From an early age, she felt a huge responsibility to take care of her frail, drug dependent parent. Her own well-being depended on it! As the years went by, however, she could scarcely contain the inner rage she felt towards her mother for being so needy and weak. As a SGR, she would do all she could to bolster her mother, only to come away again and again, feeling defeated (victim) because nothing she tried worked. Inevitably the resentment would take over, leading her to resort to treating her mother with scorn (persecutor). This became her primary interactive pattern, not only with her mother, but in her other relationships as well. By the time we met, she was emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted from having spent her life taking care of one sick and dependent person after another.

It becomes the job of the Rescuer to keep the other propped up - "for their own good", of course. Having a Victim is essential in order for the SGR to maintain the illusion of being one-up and needless. This means then, that there will always be at least one person in every SGR’s life who is troubled, sick, fragile, inept and therefore dependent upon them. If the SGR’s primary victim starts taking responsibility for themselves, the Rescuer will either have to find a new victim or address their own shadow needs.

Regardless of the circumstances of the one a SGR feels compelled to rescue - no matter how “badly” the victim may need help, rescuing can lead only one place - victim. If you are a primary Rescuer, this does not mean you cannot be loving, generous and kind. It is certainly possible to be helpful and supportive without being a Rescuer. There is a distinct difference between being truly helpful and rescuing.

Authentic helpers act without expectations for reciprocation. They empower rather than disable those they serve. What they do will be done to encourage self-responsibility, rather than promote dependency. True Supporters believe that the other can handle their own business. They believe that everyone has the right to make mistakes and learn through sometimes hard consequences. They trust the other has what it takes to see themselves through times of difficulty without they, as Rescuers, needing to “save” them.
Starting Gate Rescuers, on the other hand, don’t take responsibility for themselves. Instead, they do for others in an attempt to get validation or feel important or as a way to foster dependency. Victim is just round the bend.

Persecutor

Like the other roles, the Starting Gate Persecutor is shame based. This role is most often taken on by someone who received overt mental and/or physical abuse during their childhood. As a result they are often secretly seething inside from a shame based wrath that ends up running their lives. SGPs, for survival sake, repress deep-seated feelings of worthlessness; they hide their pain behind a facade of indignant wrath and uncaring detachment. They may choose to emulate their primary childhood abuser(s), preferring to identify with those they see as having power and strength - rather than become the “picked on loser” at the bottom of life’s pile. SGP’s tend to adopt an attitude that says; “The world is hard and mean ... only the ruthless survive. I’ll be one of those”. In other words, they become perpetrators. They “protect” themselves using authoritarian, controlling and downright punishing methods.

In the same way that the SGR is the shadow mother principle, the SGP is the “shadow father principle”. A healthy father's job is to protect and provide for his family. Rather than providing nurturing direction, the SGP attempts to "reform" and discipline those around him using manipulation and brute force.

The SGP overcomes feelings of helplessness and shame by over-powering others. Domination becomes their most prevalent style of interaction. This means they must always be right! Their methods include bullying, preaching, threatening, blaming, lecturing, interrogating and outright attack. They believe in getting even, very often through aggressive acts. Just like the Rescuer needs someone to fix, the Persecutor needs someone to blame. SGP’s deny their vulnerability in the same way Rescuers deny their needs. Their greatest fear is powerlessness. Because they judge and deny their own inadequacy, fear and vulnerability, they will need some place else to project these disowned feelings. In other words, they need a victim. They need someone they perceive as weak to prove to themselves that their own destructively painful story about the world is true. Both Rescuers and Persecutors unconsciously “need” a Victim in order to sustain their idea of who they are and what the world is like.

SGP’s also tend to compensate for inner feelings of worthlessness by putting on grandiose airs. Grandiosity inevitably comes from shame. It is a compensation and cover-up for deep inferiority. Superiority is the attempt to swing hard to the other side of "less than" in order to come across as "better than".

It is most difficult for someone in Persecutor to take responsibility for the way they hurt others. In their mind, others deserve what they get. These warring individuals tend to see themselves as having to constantly fight for survival. Theirs is a constant struggle to protect themselves in what they perceive as a hostile world.

Joseph was from a prominent, wealthy family. His parents divorced and his father was angry, remote and used his money to control others. His mother was an alcoholic who brought home men who abused her and Joseph throughout his pre-adolescent and adolescent years. He, early on, learned that his only chance for survival was to fight. Joseph plowed through life with his head down the way a bull rages across a bullfighters pen. He constructed his life so that there was always an enemy that had to be fought.

On the outside, Joseph exhibited a swash-buckling, “I don’t give a damn” persona - he was ever ready to gamble or take careless risks with his health. But on the inside, he was bitter and unhappy. He shared with me how exhausted he felt from a belief that he needed to maintain constant vigilance; he felt a desperate need to keep a watchful eye out for those who wanted to hurt him or his loved ones.

Joseph was constantly involved in court battles and even out and out, physical brawls. He was always having to get himself out of one “scrape” after another. To his way of thinking these occurrences were always somebody else’s fault. He could not resist what he felt was justifiable retaliation. “I can’t let them get away with it!” was his most common response.
Joseph saw himself as someone who did not get the protection he deserved. This belief justified taking matters into his own hands. At least that’s how he saw it. He trusted no-one. Not even his parents had been reliable, so who could he depend on? This attitude prompted him to be in constant defense mode. He had to be ready for the next attack!

Joseph is an example of a classic Starting Gate Persecutor. It is easy to think that Persecutors are “bad” people. They are not. They are simply wounded individuals who see the world as dangerous. This requires that they be ever ready to strike back. They live in constant defensive reaction.

It is always difficult for SGP’s to perceive themselves as persecutors. It is much easier to justify the necessity for persecution (thereby identifying with victim) than to own the oppressor role. The SGP cycle looks something like: "I was just trying to help (rescuer), and they turned on me (victim), so I had to defend myself by striking back (persecutor).”
It can feel very threatening for someone stuck in Persecutor consciousness to get really honest with themselves. To do so feels like blaming themselves, which only intensifies their internal condemnation. SGP’s need to have a situation or person they can blame so they can stay angry. Anger, for a SGP, can act as a fuel within the psyche to energize them. It may be the only way they have of dealing with chronic depression. SGPs often need a jolt of rage the same way other people depend on a shot of caffeine. It jump-starts their day and provides them with the energy needed to keep them on their feet.

Just as with the other roles, self-accountability is the only way off the victim grid for the SGP. There has to be some kind of breakthrough for them to own their part. Unfortunately, because of their great reluctance to do so, it may have to come in the form of crisis.
Ironically, a main exit way off the triangle is through the persecutor position. This does not mean we become persecutors. It does mean however, that once we decide to get off the triangle, there most likely will be those who see us as persecutors. (”How can you do this to me?”) Once we decide to take self-responsibility and tell our truth, those still on the triangle are likely to accuse us of victimizing them. "How dare you refuse to take care of me," a Victim might cry. Or "What do you mean you don't need my help?" a primary enabler storms when their victim decides to become accountable. In other words, to escape the victim grid, we must be willing to be perceived as the "bad guy." This doesn't make it so, but we must be willing to sit with the discomfort of being perceived as such.

Victim

The role of Starting Gate Victim is also a shadow aspect. It is the wounded shadow of our inner child; that part of us that is innocent, vulnerable AND needy. This child-self does need support on occasion - that’s natural. It’s only when we become convinced that we can’t take care of ourselves, that we move into Victim. Believing that we are frail, powerless or defective keeps us needing rescue. This relegates us to a lifetime of crippling dependency on our primary relationships.

A SGV has accepted a definition of themselves that says they are intrinsically damaged and incapable. SGV’s project an attitude of being weak, fragile or not smart enough; basically, “I can’t do it by myself." Their greatest fear is that they won’t make it. That anxiety forces them to be always on the lookout for someone stronger or more capable to take care of them.
SGV’s deny both their problem solving abilities and their potential for self-generated power. Instead they tend to see themselves as inept at handling life. Feeling done in by, at the mercy of, mistreated, intrinsically defective or “wrong”, they see themselves as broken and unfixable. This doesn't prevent them from feeling highly resentful towards those on who they depend. As much as they insist on being taken care of by their primary rescuers ... they nonetheless do not appreciate being reminded of their inadequacy.

The very thing a Rescuer seeks (validation and appreciation) is the thing Victims most resent giving because it is a reminder to them of their own deficiencies. Instead they resent the help that is given. SGV’s eventually get tired of being in the one-down position and begin to find ways to feel equal. Unfortunately this usually involves some form of “getting even”.
For a SGV, a move to persecutor on the triangle usually means sabotaging the efforts made to rescue them, often through passive-aggressive behavior. For example, they are skilled at playing a game called,"Yes, but ...."

It works like this…

The SGV’s rescuer offers a helpful suggestion to some complaint or problem voiced by the Victim. The SGV immediately turns the suggestion on its ear with a response like; "Yes, but that won't work because ...”. The SGV then proceeds to “yes, but” any and all suggestions, as the Rescuer tries, in vain, to come up with a solution. The SGV is determined to prove that their problem is unsolvable, thus stumping the Rescuer, leaving them to feel as impotent as the SGV innately feels. They may also resort to the persecutor role as a way to blame or manipulate others into taking care of them.

Convinced of their intrinsic incompetence, SGV’s live in a perpetual shame spiral, often leading to self abuse. Abuse of drugs, alcohol and food, as well as gambling and out of control spending are just a few of the self defeating behaviors practiced by SGV’s. SGV’s walk around much like the Charlie Brown character, Pig-Pen in his whirlwind of dust, except Victims live in a vortex of shame of their own making. This cloud of defectiveness becomes their total identity.

Linda was the second-born in her family. Almost from birth, she had problems. Linda was a child who was forever in trouble of one sort or another. She struggled academically, was perpetually disruptive and often sick. It came as no surprise to anyone when she got into drugs as a teenager. Her mother, Stella, was a die-hard Rescuer. Convinced of Linda’s ineptitude and thinking she was being helpful, Stella bailed Linda out every time she got into trouble. By constantly alleviating the natural consequences of Linda’s choices, Stella's earnest enabling deprived Linda of the opportunity to learn from her mistakes. As a result, Linda came to see herself as increasingly incompetent and grew more dependent on others. Her mother's well-intentioned rescuing sent a crippling message that promoted a life long Victim stance for Linda.

Since SGV’s are often the identified problem in their family, it's natural for them to seek outside professional help first. Often they are dragged to their first counseling session by distressed family members. SGV’s tend to be ever on the look out for yet another Rescuer, and SGR’s abound among helping professionals. In this case, the professional may find themselves inadvertently hooked on the triangle with a practiced, and very convincing, victim. This means the real issue never gets addressed.

Those in primary Victim roles must learn to assume responsibility for themselves and initiate self-care, rather than look outside themselves for a savior. They must challenge the ingrained belief that they can't take care of themselves if they are to escape the triangle. Instead of seeing themselves as powerless, they must acknowledge their problem solving as well as their leadership capabilities.

For it is true that no matter who may try to “save us”, as a SGV’s - no matter how much money they give or how sincere our intentions to “do better” may be, playing the part of victim always leads to only one place - straight back to Victim. It’s an endless cycle of feeling defeated and worthless. There is no escape except to take total responsibility for our own feelings, thoughts and reactions.

Starting Gate Beliefs

Each starting gate position has a “script” made to order for their particular dance around the triangle. These “scripts” consist of a particular set of beliefs through which the world and ourselves are seen.

The Rescuer Story

Rescuers believe that their needs are unimportant and irrelevant. This means that the only way they can legitimately connect with others, feel valued and have their needs met is through the back door of care-taking. Rescuers chastise themselves when they aren't care-taking others. Their starting gate story is; "If I take care of others well enough and long enough, then I will be fulfilled. It’s the only way to be loved." Unfortunately, Rescuers are involved with life-time Victims who have no idea of how to be there for them. This reinforces the SG Rescuer’s story that says they shouldn’t be needy, which then produces more shame and deeper denial surrounding their own needs.

The Victim Story

Guilt and shame are the driving forces for the perpetuation of the Triangle. Guilt is often used by Victims in an effort to manipulate their Rescuers into taking care of them: "If you don't do it, who will?” The Victims’ story says they can’t make it on their own and they prove it to themselves over and over on the triangle. They believe that they are innately defective and incapable and so spend their lives on the look-out for someone to “save” them. Though this is what they feel they must have, i.e., a savior, they are simultaneously angry at their rescuers because they feel put down by and looked down on by their caretakers.
The Persecutor Story

Persecutors who believe the world is dangerous, use fear and intimidation as tools for keeping others in their place. What they don’t see is how their methods for providing “safety” end up proving to them that life is indeed as dangerous as they believe it to be. Their story says that they are innocent bystanders in a dangerous world where others are always out to hurt them. It’s survival of the fittest and their only chance is to strike first. This story keeps them in perpetual defense/offense modus operandi.

Shadows of Victim-hood

Placing the three positions on a straight line with Victim in the middle, is a way of demonstrating that Persecutor and Rescuer are simply the two extremes, or shadow aspects, of victim-hood.

Persecutor ------ VICTIM ------ Rescuer

All three roles are distorted expressions of positive powers that we, as humans possess, but deny or repress when living on the triangle. Identifying what our starting gate position is on the triangle can help us recognize the aspects of ourselves we deny.
For instance, when we see ourselves primarily as mediators and caretakers, we deny our own power by setting inappropriate boundaries. We occupy the Rescuer position.
SGR’s have a natural capacity for organizing, as well as a wonderful nurturing ability. But when a SGR denies herself the benefit of these abilities - when she refuses to nurture or set priorities for herself ... then she will find herself obsessing about and intervening (or interfering) in the lives of others - most often in unhealthy ways. She becomes someone who takes responsibility for everyone but herself.

These characteristics are commonly thought of as being primarily feminine characteristics - so the SGR can be seen as a distorted expression of the feminine aspect.
The Persecutor, on the other hand, has a deep-seated sense of justice. He believes in the use of power and assertiveness. There is nothing innately wrong with these abilities; they are in fact, important in self care. Yet a SGP will exercise these gifts in twisted ways. When these essentially male qualities of protection, guidance and boundary setting are not fully acknowledged and claimed - when they are denied, they end up being expressed in unconscious and irresponsible ways - thus a SGP can be seen as a distorted expression of the masculine aspect.

Attack, for the SGP, becomes the accepted way to express these powers and is then justified as a necessary defense. Simultaneously, a SGP will see themselves only as the innocent victim ... “They hurt me - I had to protect myself by retaliating”. It’s hard for any of us to admit we mistreat people. Persecutors justify their hurtful behavior with “good reasons” (“... because they did something to me” or “took something from me”) and this makes it okay, in their minds, to hurt “back”. This is typical Persecutor mentality. SGP’s have suppressed their caring, nurturing qualities, and instead, tend to problem solve through anger, abuse and control.

Here’s a typical example, that might easily show up in relationship…

Don came home late for dinner. Ann, his wife, was angry. She had prepared a good meal and it was still sitting, uneaten and cold, an hour later. Like many SGP’s, Ann’s tendency is to assume the worse (“He did this to me”) and attack. So instead of checking in with her husband, she immediately launches into; “You told me you would be here on time. You lied! I can never trust you to tell me the truth.” When Don tries to explain that he got stuck in traffic, Ann is not listening. Instead she justifies her reaction… “You always have excuses! You expect me to believe you. You’re a liar ... “. She continues to hurl insults, even resorting to name calling. Later, she explained that he had hurt her and therefore deserved the way she treated him. This is classic Persecutor reasoning.

Because Ann sees herself as a victim who doesn’t have the right to take care of herself or set boundaries, (by saying, something like, “Hi Sweetheart, I had dinner ready on time; when you didn’t get here, I went ahead and ate mine and left yours warming on the stove.”) she resorts to trying to feel powerful through attack. Her belief that she is at the mercy of someone who is trying to hurt her keeps her striking out in a distorted effort to protect.

When we have suppressed both sides ... denying both our innate ability to take care of ourselves through healthy nurturing and the right to take protective, assertive action, we are left in Victim. As a matter of fact, a good definition for a SGV might be; someone who does not know how to set priorities or boundaries, nor nurtures and protects themselves.
As individuals grow in awareness and begin to alter their behavior, they often change their starting-gate positions. Becoming aware of a primary position, they may commit to getting off the triangle but often merely switch roles instead. Although they may be operating from a different starting gate, they are nonetheless still on the triangle. This happens frequently and may even be an essential part of learning the full impact of living on the triangle.

Consequences of Triangular Living

Living on the victim triangle creates misery and suffering no matter what your primary starting gate position may be. The cost is tremendous for all three roles and leads to emotional, mental and even physical pain. Efforts to avoid pain, by blaming or looking for someone to take care of us, only ends up generating greater pain in the end. When we try to shield others from the truth, (rescue) we discount their abilities and this creates more pain. Everyone involved in triangular dynamics ends up hurt and angry at some point; no-one wins. There are characteristics of and consequences to being on the triangle that all three roles bear in common. Let’s talk about a few of them.

Lack of Personal Responsibility

Whenever we fail to take responsibility for ourselves, we end up on the triangle. Not even Rescuers, who pride themselves on being responsible, take responsibility for themselves. They take care of everyone else, but have no idea of how to do it for themselves. Not taking responsibility is a key identifying factor in recognizing when we are on the triangle. Persecutors shift responsibility by blaming others for their misery. Victims look for someone else to take responsibility for them. Not one of the three roles take responsibility for themselves.

As long as we chase ourselves and others around the triangle, we relegate ourselves to living in reaction. Rather than living spontaneously and free through self-responsibility and personal choice, we settle into dull and painful lives ruled by the agendas of others and our own unconscious beliefs. To experience a fulfilling life requires a conscious willingness to get off the triangle and extend grace to those still encumbered by their drama.

Painful Beliefs Rule

Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves and the world, instilled in childhood, become rigid rules that may need to be violated. Family dictums such as: “don't talk about it”, “don't share feelings”, or, “it's selfish to take care of yourself”, are some of the old beliefs that have ruled us and must be challenged if we are to evolve. We can expect, and even celebrate uncomfortable feelings when they come up for us, learning to see them as opportunities for freeing ourselves of the painful beliefs that keep us trapped on the triangle.

Sometimes we simply need to sit with an uncomfortable feeling - such as guilt, without acting on it. Guilt does not necessarily imply that we have behaved wrong or unethically. Guilt is often a learned response. Sometimes guilt just means that we've broken a dysfunctional family

I’m reminded of a story that has circulated among therapeutic circles for years about the way to cook a ham. Perhaps you remember it too. It goes like this:

A little girl noticed her mother cutting the butt end off the ham to cook it for the family holiday dinner and asked, “Why do you cut off the end to cook it?” The mother without giving it a moment’s thought, replied, “Why, this is the way my mother always cooked a ham, so I know it’s the right way to do it!” Well, the little girls grandmother happened to live close by, so she visited her and asked her the same question, “Grandma, why do you cut the butt end off the ham before you cook it?” Her grandmother replied that her mother had taught her to cook a ham like that. Great granny happened to be visiting for the holiday so the little girl went to her and asked the same question... This time the answer came... “Child, when I was cooking hams back then, I only owned one baking pan and it was too small to hold a whole ham so I would cut the butt end off the ham to make it fit…”

This is how it works. We follow, without question, family dictums and internalized beliefs that generate nothing but misery.

Painful Feelings

Frequently we get on the triangle through the port of painful feelings. It seems that many of us tend to let painful feelings rule us. We think a thought and it triggers guilt or fear, which prompts us to react in a way that puts us back on the triangle. Our reaction is usually a misguided attempt to control or get rid of the painful feeling so that we can “feel better”.

For instance, we may rescue others as a way of both keeping ourselves and them from feeling bad. We tell ourselves things like, "She can’t handle it” or, “It will hurt his feelings”, so we “handle it” for them. We may notice that we feel better when we are fixing someone else - it gives us a false sense of being in control which feels temporarily empowering. We may fail to recognize that our increased sense of power is often at the expense of the other, leaving them feeling disempowered and “less than”.

An Example

Sam believed his son, Paul to be inept. The words he actually used to describe him were, “He’s stupid ... he will never be able to make it in the world.” As a result, Sam’s primary relating pattern with his son was as his primary Rescuer. Believing Paul was stupid brought feelings of guilt, apprehension and duty towards his son. “He’s my son and I must provide for him ... I must guide and advise him and bail him out of all the scrapes he gets himself into because he’s too stupid to run his own life. I will just have to do it for him.” These were some of Sam’s thoughts.

And so he did.

Meanwhile, Paul had bought into the story too. He shared his father’s perception that said he couldn’t make it on his own. Believing that he was basically lacking in fundamental life skills created feelings of inadequacy and failure for Paul. The whole relationship between this father and son was based on the severely limited definition that they shared about Paul’s lack of ability to do well in life.

So, how do you think someone like Paul, who believes he’s truly inept, would live his life? What sorts of choices would you expect someone to make who sees himself as incapable and lacking? With such painful beliefs about himself, how could Paul make anything but “foolish” choices! And every time he does, he ends up verifying his father’s story about Paul.

As long as these two share such a painfully limiting story about Paul, their relationship will remain on the triangle - Paul “screwing up” and Sam fixing it for him.

I can hear some of you asking, “But Lynne, what if it’s true? What if Paul is totally incompetent?”

I only know this... it is our beliefs that make it so. We treat others according to what we believe about them. When we challenge these assumptions, our interaction with that person changes.

For instance, the whole dynamic between Sam and Paul changed as Sam began to examine his beliefs about his son. He began to treat his son with new respect once he was able to get honest with himself about his previously denied need to keep Paul dependent. He began to let his son experience the natural consequences of his own choices instead of rescuing and then berating him for making “dumb decisions”. As a result Paul began to learn from his mistakes. Sam’s relationship with Paul completely transformed simply because Sam chose to take responsibility for his own feelings and beliefs. By giving up playing Rescuer Sam was able to move off the triangle into a more satisfying and authentic daily exchange with his son.

We may attempt to manage the emotional affairs of others by keeping our opinions, feelings and thoughts hidden, even from ourselves at times. This can end up costing us our own well-being and inevitably creates distance between ourselves and the other. It is just one more way we continue the dance around the triangle.

What made Sam’s move off the triangle possible was his recognition that his feelings were created by his own beliefs. He came to understand that his behavior was always determined by whatever thoughts he was believing at the time.

This is key to moving off the triangle. When we believe painful stories about who we are... like,“I’m only loved for what I do for others” or, “I don’t matter” -- or we hold distorted beliefs about those around us... like, “They’re trying to hurt me” or “They’re incapable of doing well” - these personal convictions will lead us to behave as if they’re true. I’m saying that our painful feelings originate out of our limited ideas about ourselves and others. They cause us to react in ways that end up proving that what we believe is true. This is the vicious cycle of life on the triangle.

Denial

Anytime we deny our feelings we set ourselves up for a victim perspective. Feelings are real. They are “energy-in-motion”. When we discount or undermine our emotions we end up overtaken by them, becoming impulsive reactors. We can’t take responsibility for ourselves when we refuse to acknowledge our feelings, which means that these disavowed “inner tyrants” will go on driving our behavior from behind the scenes.

Although it is true that our feelings are generated by what we believe ... it does not work to discount or deny what we feel. Instead we come to see that when we are feeling “bad”, it simply means that there’s a distorted belief close by. Instead of denying the feeling, we learn to follow the feeling in to the belief behind it. This is where true intervention is possible. The feeling dissipates once the belief behind it is made conscious and addressed. We learn to recognize that our feelings are what point us to the limiting beliefs that are keeping us stuck on the triangle.

Parents who never learned that feelings follow thought and who grew up without permission to acknowledge or express feelings often deny their children the same right. They may have decided early in life that certain feelings are wrong or bad, so they deny and repress them without examining the ruling thoughts behind the feelings.

Telling ourselves that our feelings are unacceptable does not make them go away. As long as we continue to attach belief to painful stories about ourselves and others we will go on generating these same negative feelings. When suppressed, these denied emotions become secret pockets of shame within the psyche. They only serve to alienate us from others and sentence us to a life on the triangle.

Sometimes we deny feelings in an ill-fated attempt to avoid feeling bad. Perhaps we tell ourselves that we can’t handle our feelings, that they are too much for us... We may think we are at the mercy of our own misery because we don’t know from where these feelings come or what to do with or about them. Maybe it is better to stay away from these messy inner states under such circumstances.

But when we know that it’s our thoughts that produce painful feelings; that indeed our unhappy feelings act as gateways into greater understanding of ourselves - then we no longer have the need to suppress uncomfortable feelings. Until we are able recognize and grasp the implications of these simple truths however, we may go on trying to escape pain using various suppression tactics. These attempts at avoidance only keep us on the triangle where the guaranteed outcome is suffering and misery.

Dishonesty

Getting honest with ourselves is the most basic requirement for getting off the triangle. Getting off the triangle is impossible without self-honesty. Telling our truth is a key way of taking responsibility. We then must be willing to take necessary action for whatever that truth reveals.

Of course, when feelings are denied, honesty is impossible. Remember that denial comes out of negative self judgment. If we have decided on some level that we cannot accept our thoughts, behavior or feelings than, chances are, we will not be able to admit we have them. It’s too painful to admit something about ourselves that we have judged as unacceptable. We must practice self acceptance if we are truly going to be able to be honest with ourselves and others.

In order for a SG Rescuer to get honest, for instance, they have to be willing to confess their previously unconscious need to keep others dependent on them. This means acknowledging that being a rescuer is what they do to get their own need for self-worth met. As long as the Rescuer continues to see the other as a weak, ineffectual and inept victim, they will continue to deceive themselves into believing that they must be the fixer and caretaker. Their own needs will not be recognized or met.

In the same way, a SG Persecutor is being dishonest when they insist on blaming others for their misery and suffering. There is no way off the triangle for a Persecutor as long as they insist on seeing themselves as blameless, innocent bystanders who have been unjustly treated.

In order for a SG Victim to get off the triangle, they must confess their investment in staying “little” - dependent and needy. This means getting honest about how they have manipulated others, using a self-deprecating story of ineptness, in order to get taken care of. Otherwise they will fall deeper and deeper into a downward spiral of despair and unworthiness.

Living in reality requires truth. To tell the truth, we first must first know what it is. When we react out of denied feelings and unconscious programming, we cannot possibly know our personal truth. This means we will not be in touch with reality. There will be hidden agendas and dishonesty. This is another primary trait of all players on the triangle. Only by knowing our truth, can we begin to speak from a place of personal integrity. Then exiting the triangle becomes possible.

Projection

We tend to deny feelings and beliefs that we have judged as negative or unacceptable. As previously mentioned, we rescue ourselves by pushing these unacceptable parts into the dark unconscious. They don’t necessarily stay there, however. Whatever thoughts and feelings we don’t own, i.e., take responsibility for, will end up being projected out into our world, usually on someone we “love”. As soon as we judge some thought or feeling within us as unacceptable, we will unconsciously look around and find someone who has these same traits and hate them for it. This is called projection and it is a propelling force on the triangle. Projection ensures that the victim dance continues.

Lisa and Ted came in for couples counseling. In gathering their history, I learned that Lisa had a father who raged often throughout her childhood. She was afraid of anger as a result and did not allow herself to feel or express her own ill-humor. She judged anger as “bad” and denied that she had any. It’s probably no surprise then that Lisa’s biggest complaint about her husband was his “short fuse”. “He’s so angry all the time”, she said. “He just wants to argue about everything!”

Her husband, Ted came across as upfront; open and communicative. He reported that he had not felt heard in his family growing up and expressed frustration with Lisa because, “Any time I disagree with her, no matter how calmly I express it, she accuses me of being angry and refuses to discuss it. It ends up that the only way I can get heard is to blow up!”

Can you place these two on the triangle? Let’s take a look:

Let’s start with Lisa, who was on the triangle before a single word was spoken out loud between her and her husband. She started out by judging her own anger (persecuting herself) and then denying it (rescuing herself). Lisa is on the triangle with herself. She rescues herself through denial. Denial is always an attempt to rescue ourselves. Lisa has learned to shut her anger down so quickly that she does not even register it consciously. But that angry energy has got to go somewhere.

That’s where Ted enters the picture. Lisa needs someplace to project her disowned anger. Ted is the perfect fit. Lisa sees in Ted the angry self that she has denied. This is why she is so quick to label the slightest dissent from him as “bad” anger. She then castigates Ted for the “bad” feelings that she has projected and proceeds to criticize him harshly (persecutor) in the same way she has unconsciously judged herself. Ted, just as when he was a child, feels misunderstood and unheard at first. He is in victim. But before long his anger arises and he moves into persecutor by “blowing up” at Lisa. This moves Lisa into victim, prompting her to remember the “angry dad” of her childhood. Both Ted and Lisa are unconsciously validating their own childhood dramas by projecting their painful beliefs and judgments about themselves onto one another. These sorts of interactions are why I call the victim triangle the “playing field” for all dysfunction.

You may wonder where the rescuer is in all this melee. Sometimes a role is played “beneath the surface”. It may not be externally evident as in the case described above. Because Lisa cannot take responsibility for her own anger (because to see herself as being “bad like dad” would be too painful) she rescues herself through denial. She takes herself off the hook by projecting her unwanted feelings onto her husband. This allows her to pretend she’s not angry (he’s the angry one, not her). On one level it feels better to believe that she’s not mean and angry like her dad was. The shadow consequences, however are that it sets her up to blame and persecute Ted and allows her to stay unconscious about her own personal anger. This is the nature of projection on the triangle.

Ego and The Story of Who We Are

We interact with others through old, unconsciously held and limiting beliefs that generate shame. Each starting gate position has a distinct type of core belief that drives their particular dance around the triangle. These core beliefs combine into unconscious stories. We believe these descriptions of ourselves and others without ever questioning them. Left to run unabated in the mind, they generate all sorts of painful feelings, including worthlessness, inadequacy and defectiveness. We reinforce and perpetuate these beliefs by moving around the triangle.

The ego is that part of us that manufactures and believes these limiting stories. The ego is totally identified with the stories it tells and wants to keep us identified with them as well. The ego uses the triangle to strengthen these painfully, limited identities of who we are. When I think of our relationship with ego I often think of the nursery rhyme that goes:

“Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater, had a wife and couldn’t keep her. So he put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.”

This is a great metaphor for our relationship with the ego. Peter Pumpkin Eater is the ego and the wife he couldn’t keep is our own Inner Feminine. She is that part of us who remembers who we really are. The only way Ego can control this Authentic Essence is to keep it confined in the “pumpkin shell” of a limiting story. We are each held within the confines of such a story. The victim triangle is the playing field that ego uses for the purpose of reinforcing this dysfunctional story.

We certainly can see this with Ted and Lisa. They each were entrapped within a very painful story; Ted believing that he will not be heard and therefore expecting to have his feelings judged and discounted. He is in the role of a SG Victim who inadvertently acts in ways that guarantee he will come away feeling ashamed and worthless. Lisa is the SG Persecutor who sees herself as a victim. She believes Ted is trying to hurt her with his anger which justifies her attempts to control him. Lisa punishes Ted by ignoring him until he finally strikes out, thus verifying her story about him as being “angry and cruel, just like dad”. Both have egos that are much more interested in verifying a limiting story than in feeling harmony between them.

Failed Intimacy

Although most of us long for a sense of connection with others, many people are secretly terrified of intimacy. Allowing someone to really know us can be frightening. Intimacy requires vulnerability and honesty. Believing at heart that we are unlovable, defective or “less than,” makes it difficult to reveal ourselves. We want unconditional acceptance, but when we haven't accepted ourselves, it's impossible to believe that anyone else could love us. Needing to hide our unworthiness makes distance imperative. As long as we maintain hidden agendas and deny our truth, intimacy is impossible. Victim-hood is designed to insure alienation, not only from others, but also from ourselves. Intimacy is not possible on the triangle.

In Summary

When we are ready to be accountable, we begin to sort through our genuine motives and feelings regarding our present situation. We become willing to experience our own uncomfortable feelings and we allow others their uncomfortable feelings too, without rescuing them.

If our loved ones or associates are also willing to participate in this process of self-realization we can cultivate a healthier relationship together. As a result there is less and less interaction based on guilt, fear or shame.

The good news is that whether or not our loved ones choose to get off the triangle, we can make that choice for ourselves! And that will change the whole dynamic between you and them. We are never victims, except by choice.

Getting off means knowing where you stand right now and being willing to negotiate boundaries when necessary. Setting boundaries is not about being in control or manipulating outcomes. We sometimes confuse the two. We learn to look closely at our motives with an attitude of curiosity and the desire for deeper self-understanding. And then whatever we do, when done from a connected space, even if it is to walk away, will have a better chance of being based in truth rather than drama.

Remember there will be times when we may be seen as the persecutor. Our challenge is to stay in touch with our truth and allow others the right (and they do have the right) to have their story. The two versions; your story and their story, do not have to match for you to be happy. That’s a common, but mistaken, idea.

In reality, how others see us is not our concern. How we see ourselves is what can bring us transformation. We learn to focus on what we are believing. We notice the impact in own lives of believing those particular, and often painful, thoughts - beliefs like, “I’m only as important as what I can do for others” ... or, “They’re trying to hurt me” or “I’m a total failure” - these are just a few of the stories with which we torture ourselves.

Remember that just because we believe these stories does not make them true. But when we do believe them, we will act in ways that make them true! This is a profound and simple dawning of consciousness that holds a key to the door off the triangle. Used with sincere desire and rigorous, self-loving truth, these steps are the process that takes us all the way, straight through to the “Off” exit. As we liberate ourselves through self-responsibility and truth telling, we transform our lives. We actualize our Higher Selves, thus realizing the possibility that lies within each of us to live, not out of an ego limited story, but to expand into a much bigger and wonderful experience of life.

“Getting off the triangle is not something we do once and for all. We get on and off all the time. Understanding tools like Stephen Karpman’s victim triangle brings us a map. It shows us where we are in our relational life and where we’re headed. Studying this map helps us find the best route for getting off the triangle. Again, it’s a process, not a final destination. I invite you to relax into the role of curious, creative explorer and willing student . . . may your thoughts and feelings be teachers for you as you travel the route to freedom from the triangle.”

Ho`oponopono

2009-12-29T10:33:00.003+13:00

Ho'oponopono in Hawaiian means to make right. It is a way of clearing negative energy between you and people you are in relationships with, be them friends, partners or family.

"I love you, I'm sorry, Please Forgive me, Thank you."

I'm not going to get into Ho'oponopono or Huna because I am just a fledgling user of it. Look it up!

Here's something I got off of this website.

"I" Am The "I"
OWAU NO KA "I"

"I" come forth from the void into light,
Pua mai au mai ka po iloko o ka malamalama,

"I" am the breath that nurtures life,
Owau no ka ha, ka mauli ola,

"I" am that emptiness, that hollowness beyond all consciousness,
Owau no ka poho, ke ka'ele mawaho a'e o no ike apau.

The "I", the Id, the All.
Ka I, Ke Kino Iho, na Mea Apau.

"I" draw my bow of rainbows across the waters,
Ka a'e au i ku'u pi'o o na anuenue mawaho a'e o na kai a pau,

The continuum of minds with matters.
Ka ho'omaumau o na mana'o ame na mea a pau.

"I" am the incoming and outgoing of breath,
Owau no ka "Ho", a me ka "Ha"

The invisible, untouchable breeze,
He huna ka makani nahenahe,

The undefinable atom of creation.
Ka "Hua" huna o Kumulipo.

"I" am the "I".
Owau no ka "I".

The Hunt for Someone

2009-12-22T22:02:00.007+13:00

Been a while since my last post. I have been doing a lot of growing in the way of my spirituality and things have been getting clearer for me.

It is funny what twists and turns happen in your life when you least expect them. It's like that person, you or me, who constantly try to find the person of their dreams. Their search is never over and they are always sifting through all of the people they meet or putting themselves out there with dating services and other things like that. I have known a few people who have done that and it is always at that moment when they completely give up, when they're so sick and tired of going through the same motions with nothing to show for it, that they find that special someone.

It happens with smaller stuff too, like when you can't remember some important bit of information you were going to tell a friend. As soon as you let go of trying to remember what it is, you remember what it is.

This is what the Law of Allowing is about. It is about letting go and allowing the Universe to work and provide for you what you want. Giving up can be looked at as 'giving it up to your higher self". Another way of looking it is through EWOP (everything works out perfectly). You take a problem and give it up to your higher self to deal with. Trusting in that part of you to take care of it swiftly and easily. Tell yourself that everything works out perfectly and then release the worry.

A friend of mine has told me that she goes through life expecting nothing and is always pleasantly surprised when things pop up for her. She has also told me that she believes that there is more than one soul mate for each person out there. I believe she's right on both counts.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The More You Know

2009-07-30T10:05:00.002+12:00

Contrast

2009-06-18T17:30:00.003+12:00

I was just emailed by Abraham-Hicks and the video clip that was in the email was a question about why dogs risk getting bugs in their eyes sticking their heads out of car windows. The answer was this:

"Because the contrast of the bugs in the eye is a small price to pay for the exhilaration of that ride. And it is exactly the way you felt when you made the decision to come into this physical existence, and it isexactly the way you felt when you knew there would be contrast, and you said the ride was going to be worth it."

Think about that one for a moment.

The Rate Of Change

2009-06-16T22:37:00.003+12:00

We watched this video at a leadership conference this past weekend. It is amazing how much our world is expanding each day. As I watched, it dawned on me that humans as a species want to connect with the rest of the world. We are drawn to each other and into everyone else's lives with things like the internet and mobile phones. Every gadget that comes out these days has a way for the operator to communicate with other people!

Are we drawn to each other in this way because we want to be "one"? Is this our attempt at becoming "connected" with each other without having to delve into ourselves too deeply? The answer is there. Humans have gone far from their spiritual roots and have lost their 'self'. So many books and visionary people out there tell us that we are a part of something much bigger and that everyone is connected fundamentally at our cores with every other living thing in the universe. Can those of us who are not so aware feel the lack of oneness in the universe? Is that why we are striving to be a part of people's lives through technology?

Perhaps what we don't realize is that there are many different forms of communication. What we do as a part of our day-to-day lives is just a small portion of what we are truly capable of. A person conversing with another person has many different levels of communication. It is not just the words that they say to the other person, it is also their body language and their tone. Those three things are not all there in modern forms of communication. What sort of tone or body language do we get from a text message?

There is more to a conversation than just words, body language, and tone as well; there is energy. Every single conversation made throughout our days, every gesture or look transfers energy from one person to another and back again. We do it all the time and don't realize it. It is a fundamental thing that humans do with each other and with the rest of the world that we know.

Think about it. Ever have someone's mood rub off on you? Ever run into a friend who is deliriously happy about something? Did you find it infectious? What happens when you come across someone who is angry or upset? Ever feel drained or a bit off center? Some say emotions have vibrations, these vibrations are energy. A person who is down, or upset is probably in a state of low vibration or low energy. We give them attention and energy to try to make them feel better. A person who is happy oozes energy and passes it along to you. Try to take a notice how you feel next time.

But I digress...

It seems as though we have lost ourselves in this new technology stream. I believe, as a race, we feel something fundamental is missing and we're trying to regain what we feel we've lost. The only thing is that everything we need is right there waiting for us to be used, in ourselves.

Manifesting, again!

2009-04-23T18:20:00.003+12:00

There was a time in my life a few years ago where I was tired of the same old relationship that was doomed to go nowhere from the beginning. I would always find the "good for now" kind of guys and we'd have fun for a while but I'd always know that he wasn't the right one for me. I had asked the Universe for "someone I could share a good portion of my life with." I thought this request was very specific, and I got a very specific person to share a good portion of my life with. See, I was scared to ask for what I really wanted; a soul mate. The universe provided me with someone whom I did share a good portion of my life with. I brought him home with me and showed him my old stomping grounds. I took him to the places I spent time with growing up and in high school. We hung out with my old friends that I hadn't seen for years and then just like that, he was out of my life. I did get to share a "good portion" of my life with him, it was just the wrong portion. The universe has done it to me before, with very specific results.

About a year ago, I was up to some manifesting again. I decided that I was about ready for a new relationship in my life. I knew the Universe is good at getting specific and I was going to ask for someone pretty specific. I made a list and put down all of the qualities in a man that I would like to have in an ideal mate. It was a pretty extensive list: humour, reciprocation of feelings, sexual and mental attraction, intellectual and spiritual equal, someone I would grow old with, I even wrote down great sex in the mix. I wanted my soul mate. I wasn't scared of asking for what i wanted this time.

This was the money shot for me, this was something that would change my life once and for all. I was ready to make the leap and let it happen when I was ready for it to happen. Because it was a very important manifestation, it kept popping up in my head. I had a hard time to let it go and trust in the Universe. I didn't fear asking for what I wanted, but I had some doubts actually receiving what I had asked for. What if i wasn't ready? What if it didn't work out? Thoughts kept popping up in my head and this kept on pushing this person away. I think I felt that I wasn't ready for receiving what I wanted. I wasn't quite at the right point in my life to welcome a partner into the mix of craziness that is my life.

A few months ago, I turned a corner. I stopped worrying about what the Universe would provide me and I let it go. I just had faith that I would receive what I had asked for when I was ready for it.

A few months ago, the brother of an old friend of mine contacted me on facebook. I had known him for over a decade and had helped him out when he was going through a rough patch a long while ago. We started talking and somewhere in the mix the fact that we had been attracted to each other years ago but weren't in the right place in our lives to do anything about it. It was weird because I had always had an inkling that he was attracted to me, but it was great to find out that it was mutual. An online relationship started then and the more we talked the more we discovered that we have a lot in common. A few weeks into it and I remembered the list that I had made and went through it; I ticked most of the things off except for the few that I couldn't tick off because I'd need to actually be in contact with him.

It was decided that I fly back home to see him on my break, which was only a couple weeks away. This is where I'm writing this post, the end of my two weeks with him. Everything I listed has been provided for me. I have everything I asked for. Not a day has gone by where I haven't been in awe with what I have received from the Universe. We are both extremely connected with each other, we can feel what the other is feeling without words. I can hold his hand and feel the love he has for me and he can feel mine for him. It is unbelievable.

What will happen next? Who knows? We have decided to do our best not to think too much on the situation and to just feel. Letting our spirits and hearts guide us through what is yet to come will be awesome. I am excited.

No such thing as a coincidence

2009-04-23T18:13:00.003+12:00

I've stopped believing in coincidences. There is no such thing. When something happens to you out of the blue it's because it's supposed to happen. Why is this? Everything is interconnected, whether you choose to believe it or not. The opportunities we come across in life is the universe saying to you, " hey, what about this? This is the path that you wanted to go down, and I'm giving it to you now." Sure, these non-coincidences are out of the ordinary and sometimes don't really make sense at the time, but they shouldn't. They should stick out and make you stop and think about what has happened or what could happen. Don't discount them as a mere coincidence. As I said before, everything in this life happens for a reason. This holds true for the good stuff and the bad stuff as well. Remember: no rain, no rainbows.

The Journey Began with..

2009-02-11T19:02:00.002+13:00

I have been reading The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. I'm on chapter 3 of it now and I am liking the concepts that the book goes through. Though, I would love to see it as more of a manuscript than a novel about a guy on a spiritual journey. Still, it's a good book.

My spiritual journey began at home with long discussions with my Mom. During my first year or two in college she sent me a series of three emails about the Law of Attraction, the Law of Deliberate Creation, and the Law of Allowing. I have to say that they changed my life. They have also helped a few other people find their way as well. After that I started figuring out myself in terms of who I am and where/what I want to be "when I grow up". I think I have it mostly sorted. I didn't really start delving into my spirituality again until the end of 2007, which is about a decade after it all started.

I was going through a rough spot trying to figure out the reason for recent events in my life. I looked at it from all angles and even tried to meditate on it, but I was blocked. I went to the store for some gifts for my flatmate's birthday and randomly decided to take a look at the books on the rack. I came across The Secret. I laughed to myself and thought, "what's the big secret?" and opened up the book. There before me was the Law of Attraction in all of its glory and I immediately knew that I had to purchase it.

After delving into the secret I moved on to the teachings of Abraham and Esther-Hicks. I listened to the story of how Abraham presented themselves as a spiritual entity and was extremely moved. From that point I was pretty excited and have incorporated what I learned from The Secret and Abraham into my life today. I have successfully used what knowledge I gained during my final exams for the past couple of years with good results. I dropped 90% of the stress that I would usually have and learned to cruise along and do well in my exams. It was a breath of fresh air.

My next book was The Power of Now by Eckhart Toll e. All I can say that on a very deep level, I know that the words in that book ring true. As I read it, I found myself agreeing with virtually all of it.

My spirituality grows on a daily basis and I am excited about where I'm going with it. Of course I still have things that I have to work on in order to break throgh some boundaries that still remain but I am confident that I will overcome them when I am ready to. It's a good feeling.

My biggest problem was my ego which has been a strong occupier of my thoughts and I still have little battles with myself on a daily basis. The difference is that I am now aware of it and I can catch my ego trying to get me caught up in its web and I can stare it down and smile knowingly at it. That is usually enough to make it subside for the time being.

This is the physical history of my spiritual journey. The deeper discoveries will have to wait for a different time.

Random thoughts of consciousness

2009-02-10T22:36:00.001+13:00

It's been a while since my last post. I think this is because I've had other things occupy my mind for a while. I've had other outlets for my thoughts about my spirituality pop up in my life, and I've learned more about my self: my conscious self, my ego and my super-conscious self. It's funny that these three things occupy the same space (my brain) and seem to be almost seamless at first glance. The thing is, the more read and learn about myself, the more I realize how separate each of those parts of Me are. More importantly, I am learning how to separate them and look at them separately.

There are too many things that I've learned to go through in this one post, and I think perhaps I may continue writing my thoughts down to share with whoever stumbles upon this blog.

What I wanted to write about tonight was a conversation I had with someone last night. This was someone I barely knew who opened up to me and shared with me her life-changing epiphany. It made me realize that we are both on the same path to discover our own spirituality. She made the same conclusion that I made when I was about her age. If you love yourself and truly believe that you are a good person then it shouldn't matter what other people think of you. It was one of the first "freedoms" that I discovered on this path of discovering myself. Once you realize that you are okay as you, you are set free of trying to conform to society's social norms.

I've been "free" like this for so long that it feels natural. Finding out that someone else has stepped on the same stone and figured out the same thing is a wonderful feeling. I have found many other people heading in the same direction of self-discovery.

The world is truly about to go through a spiritual revolution. It's a super-conscious awakening that is a huge global phenomenon and it's going to hit those who are unprepared like a ton of bricks.

There are those who will be left fighting against the current, fighting against the very essence of life; and there are those who will be gleefully gliding with the current and letting it sweep them away into ecstasy.

Once awakened and aware, it is so easy to pick those people out who are still fighting with themselves and with the natural flow of this life stream. They are like rocks jutting out of the water where the life stream flows down and butts up against them and diverges around them creating a small spot of turbulence that is easy to pick out once you know what to look for.

Some of them are avidly fighting against the current, some are standing and facing upstream, but others have their heads turned and are contemplating letting the river take them. All you have to do is let go.

Keep That Positive Feeling

2008-01-30T22:43:00.000+13:00

I recently wrote a post on staying positive by changing the way we think about things. When we are thinking about things that we don't want, we are attracting those things. A blog post from Attraction Mind Map reiterated the exact same thing that I was talking about.

Stop and ask yourself what you do want and it will realign your feelings about it to be more positive.

God Is Everyone

2008-01-29T22:32:00.000+13:00

We have been created in God's own image.

If this is so, why would we not be able to create as God creates?

If the theory that we are all One is true, then wouldn't the universe and the God who created it as well as everything else in the universe be One as well?

God is the creator. We are built in his image. We are all One. Hence, we are all God. We are all creators. We are all One.

Imagine what would happen if everyone in the world woke up one day and understood just how powerful we are as humans; if everyone understood how our minds and thoughts are capable of creating our own realities. What would that be like? How different would the world be? Or would it be the same?

Ask and It Is Given

2008-01-28T22:40:00.000+13:00

When I first began to notice my manifestations, I wondered how I did it. Later on, when I realized how I manifest things I questioned what my state of mind was like when I was asking the universe for something. Where was I, what was I thinking about? How did I know that I was going to get what I wanted?

There are many people who liken manifesting with ordering something from a catalog; for me it's essentially the same in mind. Meaning, the state of mind that we are in when ordering something. We simply ask, we expect to be given something and then we get what we asked form. It's that simple. When we order something we really desire, there's that excitement at knowing that in a couple of days we'll have it. It's the same thing when we order from the universe.

For me, there's a certain clarity that comes when I know I am in a true state of manifesting. My mind is calm, I have no worries or doubts about what I'm asking for and those worries and doubts do no enter my mind after I have stated my desire. It's like being in the zone. I ask something from the universe and the universe says, "So be it." It's not like it's hard for the universe to create something for us. Everything is made of the same stuff, and it happens to be a very malleable medium.

Things happen quickly when you let them happen. When I have manifested in the past, for instance, I asked for "a man in my bed". It took the universe about 3 days before I found that man to be in my bed. Though, he was only a man in my bed in a very literal sense, I still got exactly what I asked for and in that time in my life it was exactly what I needed.

After I asked for that man, I didn't wonder when it would happen, I didn't worry about it and I didn't wonder how it would happen. In fact, I didn't bother thinking of it again until I received it.

It was that sort of confidence where I didn't have to worry or wonder about what I was getting because I knew I was going to have it. After I asked, I didn't have to think about it anymore. It was a done deal.

If you force yourself to believe that you're going to get what you desire because you're thinking that you're not going to receive it, you're blocking that desire from fruition. Any sense of doubt will attract the doubt of it happening.

A really easy way to think about it would be to just think about the answer that the universe gives you for each thing you desire.

So Be It.

Quote for Friday

2008-01-25T22:20:00.000+13:00

Whatever you think you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

How do you feel?

2008-01-24T22:30:00.000+13:00

Life is about learning. Every challenge we face brings about growth and transformation. Without those challenges, we would sit and stagnate and not expand ourselves in this lifetime to a greater understanding of the world around us. This is what life is all about - experience. It is up to us to experience as much as we can. From experience we learn. From learning, we expand. It is all connected. Experiences are all good. Each challenge, though it may seem difficult while in the midst of it, is a positive experience. The reason why they are difficult is so that we can fully appreciate them once we are able to look back at them and be able to see what the lesson was that was presented to us. Without difficulty, we would not remember what we learned.

My most recent lesson has been one of emotions. It is a lesson that I just had a refresher course in because, even though I had the lesson before, I needed to learn it better. Thus, a new challenge was issued and I flailed around until I figured out what I needed to learn.

Emotions belong to each of us. Each emotion that we feel is ours. We are the only ones who can feel our own emotions; we are the only ones that can create our own feelings about something or someone. We own them. We are their creators and we must take responsibility for them. No one can make us feel anything we don't want to feel. This is a hard realization for most people to make, and it's something that I still struggle with even though I've just had a few lessons in it. If we own our own emotions and are responsible for them, then why do we feel as though we must be responsible for other people's emotions as well? This was my lesson.

I am not responsible for anyone's emotions but my own. I cannot make anyone feel anything; it is not something that can be forced. Thus, I cannot say that someone has made me feel a certain way. I must own my emotions. I must remember to say, "I felt ______ when this happened." and not "You made me feel ______ when you did this."

Most importantly, I must remember that whatever it is that someone else feels, whether it be towards me or towards anything else, whether it be good or bad or indifferent, - I am not responsible for it. I am also not responsible to try to make that person feel any differently. This is not my job. My job is to see to my own happiness.

It is always my choice. I choose to feel the way I feel towards a person or a thing. I own it. If I don't want to feel a certain way, I won't. Why? Because I can.

Stay in alignment

2008-01-23T23:05:00.000+13:00

The state of being happy is one where we are vibrating at a high frequency. It feels like nothing can touch us; like all the good of the world is with us and flowing with us. It's like we're rowing our boat downstream. Everything comes easily to us and it feels right. This is when we are powerful and when our ability to manifest is potent. This is because when we are in a happy and positive state of mind we are the closest to the source of pure, positive energy in the universe; the essence of life. We are in alignment with it which makes it easy to manifest anything we desire.

When we manage to keep ourselves in this state for a while, things around us start to change. The people in our lives start to change around. The people who are not in alignment with us will fall to the periphery of our lives when they may have been in the center. This makes room for the people who are in alignment with us or for more possibilities to present themselves. We start to think positively about a lot of things and those things return that positive energy back to us - people become nicer or difficult things in our lives start to resolve and become easy.

I started being in a positive frame of mind a few weeks ago and I have noticed that the only people that are still in the center of my life - the ones who constantly want to hang out with me - are the ones who are in alignment with me. They are happy, they are positive and they love themselves. Everyone else who isn't on the same wavelength has fallen out of my little circle.

Strange things have happened to me. I started watching this manifesting video every morning and suddenly I get an email from a person that I don't really know very well who left the country and is not coming back when she thought she would be. She wants to pay me to sort through the stuff she left behind and send it to her. She's going to pay me to do this. Everything else is for me to keep or sell. The stuff that is left over is stuff that I don't necessarily need, but that I can sell easily. It's great! It was totally unexpected, but I manifested it into my life quickly because I kept myself in that positive mindset.

It's easy to stay positive. It's easy to bring good things into your life. Begin to be positive and see how many unexpected and wonderful things come to you from different places. I believe it more and more each day. It is amazing.

Let the good times roll!

Staying Positive

2008-01-22T22:33:00.000+13:00

We all know those sorts of people who are always complaining about things and always have a negative statement to say. It happens all the time and once you have opened your eyes to the Law of Attraction, you realize just how negative other people can be. You also notice how you feel negative about things. I catch myself all the time.

What I try to do to stay in the positive mindset about things is to think in a positive sense. For instance, when I'm about to leave the house I used to say, "I hope I don't forget to...". Now I say, "I will remember to...." The universe doesn't catch the negatives in our thoughts. The main thought is "forget" and that is what will happen. Try it one day. Instead of saying "I hope I don't forget my keys" say "I'll remember my keys today." See what happens.

Once you are aware of all of the negative statements that are being said, you start catching yourself doing it as well. The one that I hear the most, and from my own mouth, is "I'm broke." I have changed this thought that has kept popping into my thoughts into "I'm getting money soon." But when I'm feeling really bad about something I usually use EWOP and leave it to my higher self to solve.

There are so many times when I catch people saying things in a negative way. When you catch yourself saying something in a negative tone, catch yourself and turn it into something that sounds wonderfully positive.

I don't want to be alone
I love the company of others

I don't like people who smoke
Non-smokers are my favorite kinds of people

I don't want to fail this course
I will pass this course..with flying colors.

Changing these little things about the way you think about things can make a huge difference. This way you are attracting more of what you want in your life and less of what you don't want. It works even better if you add some gratitude to the equation. Just start all of those little positive thoughts with "I am so grateful.."

It is such a simple way to keep popping out those positive thoughts. Try it for a few days and see what happens. It has worked a whole great deal of good for me and I plan on continuing to use it.

A different perspective

2008-01-21T22:30:00.000+13:00

A thing I get a lot from previous partners is "why do you always have to be right?" I find this pretty amusing because I really don't have to be right all the time, I don't mind it when I am proved wrong, but I will make you fight for it... just a little. I tend to like to say things that I believe are right in my own mind. This doesn't have to be true for anyone else, even though it is true for me. This is why perspective is a very interesting topic.

I present my views on things in this blog which may be along the same lines as someone who is reading it, or it may be completely different. It doesn't really matter because everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I don't expect everyone to agree completely with what I write. That's not the point of this blog. This blog is here for me to share my opinion on whatever subject I decide to write about. I would openly love to have a debate about any of it.

I remember once trying to explain perspective to someone else. His argument was that there was only one truth. I simply explained that this was not the case because everyone has their own truth. I gave an example of someone hitting a telephone pole with their car. The person in the car will have a completely different perspective than an observer outside of the car. Therefore, the 'truth' to the person in the car would be different than the 'truth' to the observer outside of it.

To me, this makes a lot of sense. There have been a lot of times in my life where I would rely on a friend to give me a different perspective on a situation that I was in the middle of. Each person's view on a subject or situation is different. This is the world that we live in. We are all individuals. We all have different likes and dislikes. None of us are completely right or completely wrong when we form an opinion. It is our opinion and it is unique to us.

How to deal with stress, anxiety, fear and pain

2008-01-18T22:34:00.000+13:00

Every day we have stresses in our lives. We have doubt and anxiety and fear about things. Sometimes they build up and feel overwhelming and they bring us down. They push our corks beneath the surface and hold us down from being in our natural state of happiness. There is something we can do about those day to day stresses - EWOP.

Everything works out perfectly.

This is a simple technique that I learned through this program that is so powerful that I had to share it with you! It helps you trust your higher self or subconscious into taking care of a problem in the best possible way. It doesn't matter if it's about money or love or school or anything else in your life that is causing you stress or pain or anxiety.

Take a few moments. Think about something that is keeping you from being absolutely happy. Whatever it is, picture it in your mind. Turn to your higher self and think or say "I turn it over to you. Take care of this for me in the best possible way." Trust your higher self to take care of it. Don't worry about the details or how it's going to happen. Say to yourself, "Everything work out perfectly" because it will.

The next step is a little breathing exercise. Focus towards the center of the earth and inhale, and then focus towards the heavens and exhale. When you inhale, you gather up these feelings of negativity - stress, unhappiness, fear, anxiety. When you exhale, release these feelings and problems to your higher self. Your problems are gone. They are being taken care of in the best possible way.

You can do this technique whenever you need help with something or whenever you have a concern about something. It will help you stay in that positive state of being instead of dipping into the negatives. I have been practicing it for a few weeks now and it has done my life wonders. It's not about manifesting anything, it's about helping bring about those little changes to your mindset when you aren't feeling like you're at your best.

It's easy to remember to EWOP. That's what I love about it!

What is Love?

2008-01-17T22:05:00.001+13:00

I believe the answer to that questions will be different to everyone, yet similar in some fundamental ways. I looked up a couple of opinions about love and found some differing opinions.

Andrew Furmanczyk wrote that, "Love is a lot of things, but in it's most simplest definition I believe it is simply a great overpowering PASSION to have that person/thing stay in your life." I believe that this is very true on a basal level. He went on to say talk about how love is a measure of respect and the more you respect someone, the greater the love is. Respect and disrespect is "getting to know that person's qualities/character and agreeing/disagreeing with how they behave."

Click here to read the whole article.

had a little article on romance which said, "Love is looking at the person you married when he is greying and sick and thinking you want to wrap your arms around him. Love wants the person you are with to do what makes him happy even when this takes him away from you. Love is sitting across from the person you married and not understanding who they are but wanting to keep finding out. Love is hearing that your loved one has betrayed you but not wanting to run away. Love is a lot of things, but it is not easy and it is not free. It takes time and effort and devotion beyond all expectations. Love is worth the work." I agree with the gist of what this woman is saying. Love is about sharing your life with else's. It is a partnership that comes with devotion and a bit of work.

Yet another person on the Love forum for Powerful Intentions said, "Love is a lot of things, but rarely is it easy. It's easy to think on the fun times, but devotion (in my opinion) is about loving someone when it isn't necessarily fun or easy. That's when it counts."

It is true that love is a lot of things. Each person has a different view on what it is because it means a whole different thing to them. Each experience we have with love brings us closer to the understanding of what it is exactly. I don't know if any of us will know exactly what love is, but I'm sure that we will all know when we are in it.

What does love mean to you?

Extreme Money Manifestation

2008-01-16T22:32:00.000+13:00

Today was an amazing day!

I receive loans from the states and I am much in need of the next one to come in, or at least I thought I was. I have been working on bringing money into my life. I started watching this video and things have started to turn around for me. I just started a job that is awesome! I'll keep it until the semester starts at the end of February. I got an email today from a friend who was in New Zealand with me for the year and went back home for the summer break. She transferred into OSU and I couldn't be happier for her! She and her friend (who is in the same boat) are going to pay me to pack their stuff up for them. I also get first dibs on whatever they're leaving behind and a car to either buy myself or sell and make a profit on (10%). This is exciting stuff! This was also completely out of nowhere.

About a week ago, I was surfing the blogs that I like to visit and I found this video on subliminal messaging and attracting money. It is awesome. I knew it would work and it is! I watch it every day and it is changing the way I do things and think about money - which is something I have wanted to do for a while.

I am so excited!

We Are All One

2008-01-15T22:45:00.000+13:00

A chess board is a place where strategies come into play. Each move that a player makes affects the move that his opponent will take, as well as affecting all of the other pieces on the chessboard. These moves will affect the next set of available moves, and so on.

Life can be compared to a game of chess and I suppose that there are probably a lot of people out there that have made the same comparison. In fact, someone wrote a book on it. Who knew? Anyway, I was doing some thinking the other day and came to the conclusion that chess and life have a lot of similarities.

Every choice we make in life will affect our choices in the future. It will affect the people that are involved in our lives, whether we realize it or not. Some of these effects will be good, and some of them will be not good. All of these choices that are made - from the little things like hitting the snooze button to what shoes to wear to the big stuff like getting married - have effects that ripple outward from the time the choice is made to affect an infinite number of things which in turn affect other people and other things. It goes on and on. It's comparable to the Butterfly Effect where the tiny wings of a butterfly perhaps making minute changes in the atmosphere that can cause a tornado to form somewhere else in the world.

The cause and effect of everything that we do is what shapes the universe that we live in. Just as our thoughts and feelings help to bring forth new things for us, our actions also affect everything in the world around us. Who knows? What if sneezing in the right direction can set off a hurricane in the Pacific? These with so many variables for everything, just about anything is possible.

We have been given an all -knowing guidance systems that will always lead us in the right direction. What we call a soul, or higher self, or spirit is always with us. It is connected to the source of energy that all things are connected to. In this way, we are all one. This is why it is so important for us to know the difference between the inner voice that is our ego talking, just a refection of our minds and our higher self, which is a much softer voice. Some people can call it intuition, or a gut feeling. This is when our higher selves are trying to guide us to make the right decisions. It could be because we are on a crossroads of choices and a wrong move could set off catastrophes either in our own lives or in the lives of others, or it could be because one choice will lead us easily to the things that we desire and the other will lead us further away. In any case, whenever stuck at a crossroads where there are numerous choices before you, pause to check your intuition. What choice feels right?

Deliberate Creation - Want vs. Desire

2008-01-14T22:50:00.000+13:00

Due to a recent break up in my life, I have been battling with my inner wants and what I think are desires. I constantly go back and forth between wanting this person back in my life as he used to be and counting it as a real blessing that he stepped out of it. I know in my heart that it is probably more of a blessing and that all of the things that I miss about him are the things that can be found with any other relationship, but I still want him. Or, at least I think that I want him. I probably just want what he gave me in the relationship which means that I need to just let him go.

*big sigh*

The spiritual journey that I am on is directly affected by the challenges and transformations that the ends of each relationship brings. One of the main reasons for this blog is to share this spiritual journey with everyone in the hope that readers will learn something from it, or at least be amused by my mishaps. Either way, I want to share my experiences with the world.

On my quest for knowledge I ran across a website that really sparked my interest. It is always amazing to me to suddenly want to know something about something and then find the exact thing that you needed to hear without even searching for it. I found this site searching for Deliberate Creation and I found it quite easily, but what I also found was this:

Desire can be seen as a "positive" feeling. When we desire something, we are exuberant, enthusiastic about getting and having it.

Want can be seen as a "negative" feeling. It equates with lack. It says to the Universe, "I need this particular thing, it's missing in my life and, without it, all is not well." This sets up a vibration of desperation, of tension and difficulty, and closes down our ability to notice and receive anything that is made available to us.
-- Don Beckett

That was when the hammer hit the nail on the head. I hadn't thought too much about wanting things because I thought that's what deliberate creation was all about. I thought it was about saying "I want this" and then putting some good thoughts out about it and ping there it was. I knew it was about the content of the thoughts that you have when you want something but actually defining the difference between desire and want made it all click for me. I believe that the article is true for the most part. We tend to want things that we don't have, therefore want them because the lack of them. Going back to the Law of Attraction, if like attracts like, then wanting something because of the lack of it will attract the lack of it.

The next paragraph of the article really hit home for me.

The classic example of wanting is unrequited love. When we desire a person who does not reciprocate the feeling, we tend to become obsessed with thoughts of them. Negative kinds of thoughts: longing, pining, self-pity, depression, neediness, sadness, desperation, hopelessness. Which not only kill any possibility of attracting the person, they squelch our ability to attract any sort of desirable people and experiences. We start to become a magnet for all kinds of negative things: sickness, accidents, and other people who are vibrating on the wavelengths of woe and self-pity and hopelessness.
-- Don Beckett

I have been pegged! All of the things that I had been thinking towards my ex in a nice little list. Oops. It is so easy for me to fall into the state of thinking about all nasty little things that I would like to say to him because they would make me feel better. It's usually at that point where I try to completely cast him out of my mind and think of happier things. I know that deep down, he believes he did the right thing that is all that should matter. I should not waste any energy on being mad at him because it won't do anyone any good.

There is no such thing as coincidence; the universe knows what it's doing. If we weren't meant to be together, then we were meant to be with someone better for us. It should be seen as a blessing even though it's sometimes hard to see past the gloom.

It seems as though the whole universe is waiting for me to pull myself together and make myself ready for the next person who will come into my life. When the time is right, after I have sorted through all of the emotions and have gotten completely over this one, the universe will let me stumble upon the next one. I have no doubt that he will be even better than the last. I can hardly wait!

Relationships and Decisions

2008-01-11T22:47:00.000+13:00

There comes a point in our lives where we are faced with a tough decision to make. On the one hand, there is the decision that makes sense. It is the decision that is realistic. Then there is the decision that is based on feelings. This one may be skewed either way depending on other factors in the game. The realistic decision is based on fact. If all the facts add up, or if the realistic decision and the decision based on feelings are the same then the answer is easy.

Where it gets complicated is when the feeling and emotion towards a decision is confounded by wants. This can debase the whole decision making process and cause some major confusion. Take, for instance, a relationship. A partner leaving. The partner may have had a just and sound reason for doing so. Perhaps even to the point of it being the best decision for both people involved. However, when the person that has been left ends up wanting their partner back it clouds any sort of decision-making. The person who has been left is absolutely determined to somehow get that person back, even though the best course of action is to let them go. It doesn't happen with just relationships. It happens whenever there is someone who is determined in wanting some particular thing. The difference between wanting a person and wanting a particular thing is "free will".

What if this person wants their partner back and is willing to use everything in their power to get them back into their lives. I've perused the Law of Attraction forums and there are so many people who want to know how to use The Secret to get someone that broke up with them back. To me, this is almost silly. Most of the people who want their partners back admit that they were not perfect for each other. There is usually some fatal flaw in the relationship that has caused the other person to leave it. Wanting to have this person back and using the Secret for it is not the right thing to do. If you believe that everything happens for a purpose, then you must believe that they left you for a purpose. This 'purpose' is not just their reasons for it, it goes deeper than that. It comes down to some lesson that your soul or non-physical self believed that you needed to learn.

Trying to attract a certain person into your life is almost morally wrong. It's like forcing someone to do something that they don't want to do. They left, and then are forced to come back? No, that doesn't sound right. Instead, it would be a good idea to make a list of the qualities that are wanted in a perfect partner - write them down or make a mental list. Then the universe knows exactly what to create for you. Now, this person who left may pop back into your life again because it is the exact person that you asked the universe for, but if it isn't, then you can expect that someone even better will come along. Just trust it.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about a recent break-up and I find that if I just write it all down, it helps me gain some clarity on the situation. Hopefully, reading this post will help others gain some clarity as well if they are in the same situation.

Life is But a Dream

2008-01-10T22:40:00.000+13:00

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.

Isn't it wonderful how a simple childhood nursery rhyme could describe life so perfectly? Our bodies can be thought of as a boat for our non-physical selves in the physical world. Each of us learn how to move through life on a daily basis and guide our bodies from here to there to create unique experiences.

The idea is to let the river take us to where we need to be. Yet there are so many people out there who try to row upstream. Fighting against the flow for something that they think is right, or true, or real. They choose to go the hard way and work themselves to the bone because they think it's the only way to do things. They constantly fight against the current and end up a lot further upstream then they would have if they just trusted the river to guide them. The river knows where it is going. It may seem like it is winding and twisting in ways that aren't necessary, but to the river, it is the easiest course to take.

Merrily. Merrily. Merrily. Merrily. Life should be lived with as much joy as possible. Like the cork floating on the top of the water, our natural state of being is happy. We have been created from a stream of pure positive energy, therefore when we feel positive about life and everything in life, we are closest to our truest form. It takes a lot of energy to have negative feelings about anything. This is because it isn't true to what we were made from. It is easy for us to hold onto that negative emotion because it seems a lot easier than letting go of it. For some of us, we have been holding onto it for so long that it becomes really hard to even think about letting go because it feels as if it has almost become a part of us.

The lives that we lead are ones that are shaped by the choices we make. All of our choices up to this point have created our worlds that we live in. Our own dreams are ours and we can change them to suit the mood when we are dreaming them. Life can be changed in much the same way. We are each at the helm of our own boats. Through the choices we make we can change our lives to be anything that we want it to be.

We are all powerful creatures - each and every one of us. When looking at it from the point of view from people who practice the Universal Laws, it makes sense. Here is this universe and all it does is create. The things that it creates are all through what we think. That is how powerful each and every human being is on this planet. We have the power to create anything that we want to create. It is ours. We are all made from the same 'stuff'.

If we are all these powerful creators, then why are we where we are at right now and not any further? The only thing that is holding us back is ourselves. It is because we don't realize how powerful we are. It seems as though many of us are content with letting the leaders lead while we sit there and follow. It's like tying up our boats to someone else's in a long line and letting them decide where we go. We have forgotten that it's our lives, our choice, our creation, our reality. That is why so many of us are stuck in a job with a pile of bills with what looks like no out, because we can't believe that there is one. We think to ourselves that this is the way it works and this is the way it will be. End of story.

If only we had the courage to cut those lines that tie us to the boat in the lead and make our own way down the river. It seems as though the lines that bind us are filled with fear and hopelessness. It's the "I can't" attitude that can so easily catch us and fill us with despair.

Now is the time to take all of the things that you don't like about your life, all of the things that are holding you back from your dreams and change them. It is in your power to do it. The only thing that you actually have to do is believe. The only thing that is stopping you is you.

How do we manifest?

2008-01-09T21:54:00.001+13:00

The creative process that is explained in the movie, The Secret is simple to understand yet difficult to master. It was described as having three steps.

Ask - This can be just thoughts. They don't necessarily have to be spoken out loud. Think of it as placing an order with the universe. This is a catalogue that has everything imaginable in it and it never has anything on back order. It is all-abundant.
Answer - This is something the Universe does on its own. Our thoughts have such power that the Universe simply rearranges things to make stuff happen. It does this effortlessly. It isn't important to figure out how it does it, or how it's going to happen. It just does.
Receive - This is the tricky part. This is where it becomes important to be aligned with what has been 'ordered'. It is a positive emotion. There must not be any doubt with it. It is one of the hardest things to overcome, the doubt, but once it happens the rest is easy.

"What you think, what you feel and what manifests is always a match, no exceptions." - Abraham through Esther Hicks

I have have some experience manifesting in my lifetime. I didn't realize I was doing it until recently. What I have been manifesting is relationships. It seemed so natural to me. The funny thing is that I received exactly what I wanted each time. This has made me become very careful with what I ask for now. Why? I'll tell you. The first time I remember manifesting a man in my life I said, "I am ready for a real relationship." This was after a long period of one-nighters. I was tired of them, I wanted something stable. I did indeed get a relationship with a great guy. The only thing was that he wasn't the right person for me. I knew this almost immediately but decided to give it a go and see where it went. Three years later it ended. The relationship was just that, a relationship. Despite the fact that we got along pretty darned good, there wasn't any spark there for me. It's hard to explain.

The next one was right after that relationship. I said that I didn't want to be alone. I needed people around. The next day, I got a call from an old friend who was flying back into town. Her and I go way back and it was refreshing to have someone around. She decided to see what one of our mutual friends was up to and suddenly there was this new guy in my life. That was a relationship and a half. Guess what? He was a bit clingy. He never left me alone. I got to have an old friend to hang out with for a while and a new relationship with a guy who pretty much drove me nuts.

A few years later I was on my own again. I was enjoying myself and having a good time. Then I started that thinking process again. I took more notice of it this time around. It was something I felt. I knew I was ready to manifest someone else into my life. It felt like a window of opportunity. It was like, 'if you don't ask something now you won't get anything'. So I asked. I said, "I want a man in my bed." That weekend, I hooked up with one of the funniest guys I've met in a long time. We started a thing with each other. I'd see him on the weekends when he was in town. We didn't do anything but hang out in my bed. That was it. I got exactly what I asked for. A man in my bed. He didn't want anything serious and I was perfectly happy about that. It dissolved when one of us tried to change what we had into something more. It wasn't meant to be anything more than what it was; what I had asked for. It took me a while to figure that one out.

The next manifestation was one where I decided to get a bit bolder. I asked for, "A man I can share a good portion of my life with." What I really wanted to ask for was 'the one'. I wanted the big one, I wanted the soul mate. I changed my mind at the last moment and asked for this other thing. I got exactly that as well. I met a guy and before I knew it, I was taking him home with me. We got on a plane and stayed with my parents for a few weeks. I got to show him my old stomping grounds where I grew up, what I did as a kid. I got to let him meet my old friends and my parents. Right after that trip, he broke it off with me. Again, it wasn't meant to be anything more than what I had asked for. I had exactly what I wanted. I met someone and shared my whole childhood with him. That was it.

I wonder what would have happened if I had asked for the Soul Mate? If I hadn't chickened out and asked for what I actually wanted. I was ready to ask for it as well, but I didn't. I believe it was one of those life lessons that I had to learn. Don't worry, I did a lot of learning with that relationship. I have done a lot of learning with all of my relationships.

Life is about growing and learning and changing. It's about making yourself better with each challenge. It's a good thing to remember.

Let your mind be your guide

2008-01-08T22:43:00.000+13:00

"The mind is everything; what you think, you become." - Gautama Buddha

I think that statement says it all. After years of thinking things like "I'm broke" and "I'm just an average student" I have finally come to a turning point in my life where I catch myself before saying such things (even to myself) and turn them around. I don't even think about being broke anymore. I think about money that I will receive. I tell myself when studying that I am a good student, that I understand exactly what the exam questions are asking me and I am able to deliver a really good answer. I got better grades this semester than I have since I came to study in New Zealand. I have also managed to get the ball rolling on a loan that I've been trying to receive since October.

I realize the problem with the loan. I wanted this money because I was broke. I was focused on the fact that I needed the money because I didn't have enough. This challenge probably has something to do with the fact that I am a full time college student. I spend 40 hours a week in classes alone. What spare time I do have is usually spent relaxing or studying. Money and the lack thereof has always been an issue. This is one area of my life that I intend to change. So I changed it. I said to my higher self, "Hey, can you give me some help in this area? Thanks." A few days later, everything lined up, I called the loan company and they said they'd gladly mail me a check all I had to do was fax them some information. This was a blessing.

I'm also catching myself saying things like "I'm going to have to remember my wallet" instead of "I hope I don't forget my wallet." I must say, that it has been working really well.

I will have to follow the words of Buddha because they are very wise indeed.

Physical and Non-Physical selves

2008-01-07T12:08:00.000+13:00

This is the new book by Esther and Jerry Hicks (and Abraham) that I've been keeping an eye on. I only have read the first 2 chapters since that's all Amazon.com would let me see without purchasing the book. I wanted to share some thoughts on what I read.

A while ago, I was taking an intro philosophy course. I remember the professor lecturing on Aristotle's beliefs about what happens when we die. He told us that Aristotle believed that when we died, our souls went to a place much like heaven to wait to be reborn again. They took all of their experiences during the previous lifetime to this place of soul congregation and do whatever souls do. When the time came for a soul to be reborn, he would bathe himself in "waters of forgetfulness" before leaving the place of souls and returning to earth in a physical body. Now, these "waters of forgetfulness" were such that, if the soul did not bathe himself completely and missed some spots, some of that divine knowledge would go with him into this new body of his. Aristotle believed that this explained why some people were born who seemingly "knew stuff" that others did not. Or, why some people were visionaries beyond their times or why some people were psychic, or seers, or whatever.

The Astonishing Power of Emotions tells us that our non-physical selves come from a place full of pure positive energy. It is our non-physical selves that want to branch out and live in the physical world. This expansion of their awareness is borne from an idea, and from that idea we are born into the physical universe. We do not begin at our births because we exist before our births in a non-physical plane.

A physical body gives our non-physical selves a different point of view. It is the relationship with our physical and non-physical selves that is important. This relationship is what we, as physical beings, need to explore. Our physical bodies are not closely connected to that pure positive energy source that our non-physical selves are a part of. We are but a manifestation of an idea that our non-physical selves put forth in order to expand their own knowledge. Our physical lives are new and bring with them new and different experiences to help our non-physical selves expand. I'm thinking that our non-physical selves are like the light shining through a keyhole onto our lives. By exploring the relationship between our physical and non-physical selves we can make some huge discoveries and open the door and let the light shine in fully.

Personally, I have felt for a while that all of my life's challenges were presented to me in such a way as to make me learn and grow from them. Each of these challenges have been built upon by the one before it. The challenges of learning have been small and on-going, sort of like a "this is what you must do, no questions. Just do it." Yet, I think that the challenges of money in my life have been propagated by my own physical self and the beliefs that society places upon us as to what money is and how one must attain it. The most interesting of these challenges must be the ones of emotion, of love and of relationships. Each of my relationships with men have taught me something fundamental. With each challenge comes transformation. It is how we grow.

If you believe that we are extensions of our non-physical selves, and that we are here to expand our knowledge by having new lives with new experiences, then you are on your way to opening that door.

Some things to think on.

The Secret - Movie

2008-01-04T22:39:00.000+13:00

I found a wonderful website today about the three universal laws that I have been talking about. The website also had the movie, The Secret that was the original movie before they cut out Esther Hicks and Abraham. I did not know this before and wondered how Rhonda Byrne could have collected a whole bunch of people who used The Secret in their daily lives and manage to miss Esther and Jerry Hicks! If you were wondering the same thing you can read Esther's statement about what happened here.

I have to be honest with you, until tonight I have never seen the movie before. I read the book last year sometime, but never got around to watching the movie. I decided that I really did want to watch the movie and the other night I was talking to a friend of mine and I mentioned The Secret and she told me that she has the DVD. I had no idea she had seen the movie! She offered to drop it off to me, but since I just saw it online I guess she doesn't have to now. Thank you Universe for making it easy!

Watching the movie made me remember all of the things that I should be doing in my life but haven't been applying. I'm very thankful that I was able to watch it and refresh myself about how I can apply The Secret to my whole life.

I hope you enjoy the original movie. It includes Hebrew subtitles.

How do you use The Secret?

2008-01-04T00:29:00.000+13:00

I just came across this great video on YouTube and I thought I'd share it with everyone here. It completely summarizes the idea behind using the Law of Attraction in our lives.

Be Happy
Think Positive Things
Be Grateful For Everything In Your Life
Love Yourself

Use the Law of Attraction to attract wealth and prosperity, happiness, love, partners or anything else you want into your lives. Our thoughts become things. Our positive feelings send out vibrations into the Universe. The better the feeling, the higher the vibration. When we are feeling good and vibrating on that high frequency, anything we put our mind to becomes a reality. It's really that simple.

Imagine feeling good every day? Imagine attaining everything you ever wanted in your life? How good would that feel? It feels absolutely fantastic! This is what I want to share with the world.

Moola! Play games, win money!

2008-01-03T16:51:00.000+13:00

I thought I'd change it up a little bit and talk to you about another great opportunity to earn money online. Moola is a site where members play online games against another member for cash. It is free to join and it uses sponsors to supply each new member with a small amount of money.

How Moola works is by giving everyone who signs up a penny. People play games online with each other and if they win the game their money is doubled. That means that you enter with a penny, win and get back two. Enter with two pennies, win and get back four. If you do that 30 times, you have yourself 10 million dollars! All you have to do is keep winning!

You can either bet it all or bet a portion of it. If you lose all of your money you can look at an advertisement on the site and the sponsors will give you a penny and you can then begin again.

You can cash out at any time and they will mail you a check.

Another great thing about Moola is that it has a referral program! This program lets you earn cash when you get people to join and play games on Moola. Your referral network goes four tiers deep as well! That's a lot of potential income! Every time one of your referrals (or their referral, or the referral's referral) cashes out or gets a booster, you get a bonus equal to a percentage of their amount cashed out or won. It's that simple.

The only catch is that you must be within the USA or Canada to use Moola because they use your mobile phone to confirm your account.

Personally, I love this website. It is easy and straightforward and a lot of fun! Please feel free to check it out and tell me what you think!

Thanks for reading!

Some thoughts for the New Year

2008-01-02T14:23:00.000+13:00

Every time you praise something,
Every time you appreciate something,
Every time you feel good about something,
You are telling the Universe,
"More of this please. More of this please."
You need never again make a verbal statement of this intent,
And if you were allowing your cork to float - all good things would flow to you.

-Abraham thru Esther Hicks

Excerpted from a workshop in Silver Sprin, MD Saturday, April 19th, 1997.

~~~~~

As I read this little excerpt today that was posted in the Love forum on the Powerful Intentions website I realized that it can apply to every aspect of our lives. What we put out into the Universe is that which we attract. This is the theory about using the Law of Attraction and the Science of Getting Rich program that I have a link to at the top of this page. By using this simple Law, it is possible to attract wealth and anything else that you want into your life. This is what this blog is all about. I am attracting readers like you to read this blog and to see what I have to say at the same time you have been attracted to this blog because you want to either learn about The Secret, or you want to learn about the SGR program or making some money online. It's as simple as that.

"Allowing your cork to float" is such a good analogy. It simply means that our natural state of being is happy and positive. When we are being true to ourselves and letting our joy and happiness flow through us we are letting our cork float. When we bog ourselves down with negative thoughts and feelings we are pushing that cork under the water. If we let go of those negative feelings our corks will simple float to the surface on their own because that is what they do naturally.

Don't hold yourself down. Don't say that you're 'broke' because that's what you'll be attracting. Money is something that everyone has the right to have and there's more than enough of it in the world for everyone to have their million. Feel good about money and money will feel good about you. Why would it want to line your pockets when you're always putting it down and complaining that you never have any of it? That's not what it likes! Money wants to be loved and appreciated; it wants people to feel good about using it for good things! What would you do with $1000 a day for the next 40 years? What if you couldn't keep any of it and had to spend it? What would you do with it?

Stop and think about how you've been thinking about money (or anything else for that matter) and see if it has successfully stayed in your life. Are there big differences in your attitude towards something good that has stuck around in your life and the things that you always want but never quite get or never hold onto for long? If you can say that there are differences, perhaps it's time to start the new year off with a little adjustment in that department?

If you like this post, feel free to comment and leave me some feedback.

~Rhiannon

Why do bad things happen to good people?

2008-01-01T13:22:00.000+13:00

Today I would like to share with you a post made by a man called Owen Waters. He is an international spiritual teacher that's been sharing his views on New Awareness since 1963.

This was an article that I found online a few years ago and it made me stop and think about the world in general. Please let me know what you think!

Here it is:

Did you ever see something go wrong around you and suddenly burst out, “How on Earth did I create that?”

Really, how can bad things happen, even to the sweetest, kindest, most spiritual people on the planet? Where’s the fairness in that?

The root of the question lies partly in the fact that we live in a state of polarity consciousness. This is a point of view where life is seen as a contrast between opposing forces, and that events are either good or bad. Good or bad is a judgment issue. Judgment belongs in third-density, physical consciousness. Yes, in physical consciousness, bad things do exist, and they appear that way because they’re designed to.

Life is like a stage, or a movie set where scripts are acted out for the experience that they will bring. The ‘props’ upon the stage of life consist of good ones and bad ones because we are here to experience duality consciousness. But, when you rise above judgment to a higher vista of consciousness, you begin to view the arrival of an unpleasant occurrence in your life as the challenge that it was intended to be.

Challenges are designed, at a soul level, to give rise to change. Change then opens the door to the opportunity for transformation, and transformation is our main purpose in life.

Your soul thinks very much in terms of service to others, so your purpose in life is to transform, not only yourself, but all of humanity to a higher level of consciousness. As a member of the group mind of humanity on Earth, everything that you do is reflected within the whole. Many challenges are undertaken, more for the transformation that they will bring to others, than for the change they will bring to you.

Transformation itself – the natural progress of the spirit - can be effortless. But when a blockage to that transformation exists, pain may be the price necessary to dissolve that blockage. People often take on pain in their lives, not because they need to transform themselves, but because their souls see that society needs to work through certain major issues and they volunteer to be a part of that transformation.

In some people’s lives, challenges come thick and fast. In others, they do not, at least for that lifetime. When a person completes a particularly challenging lifetime, they may follow it up with a quiet, pleasant and restful incarnation, one where nothing outstanding happens at all.

Challenges are the tools of transformation

Without that tension in life, nothing moves, nothing progresses. Huge issues are worked through by millions of people at a time. Take any issue - equality of the sexes, equality of race, control issues, abuse, violence, equal access for the handicapped - and there are millions of people working through each issue at any one time in history.

Sometimes people make obvious progress in helping shift the paradigm. Sometimes they pass away before their time, a seeming victim of the old reality, having made no apparent progress. However, whatever they do in their lives, the experience of just being alive in their situation is added to the massive paradigm shift in consciousness which is occurring at that time. No effort is wasted. No one fails. Everyone contributes to the experiences which follow each challenge.

What about the December 2004 Indonesian tsunami, the largest natural disaster in recorded history? What exactly did more than 170,000 souls join together to achieve? Did they soften the psyche of a world fixated upon terrorism and war? At a conscious level, we don’t know exactly why they agreed to such a monumental sacrifice. At their all-knowing soul level, however, they did plan to be a part of this massive event, because that is how life works.

Souls do not experience accidents, they create realities

When you reach the deepest level of sleep at night, you move into your fully-aware, soul consciousness. When you reach this level of consciousness you may then join with your extended soul family and with all of the other soul families on this planet to plan, quite literally, what tomorrow will bring. Even if the focus of your attention does not reach this inner level on a particular night, your soul level of consciousness is still fully aware and functional in its own right. You then, as part of the whole of humanity, create that tomorrow. To your conscious mind the next day, some of these plans may even appear as surprises and wake-up calls as they unfold before your daily, waking consciousness.

It is not by chance that, when your time comes to leave your physical body and pass on to the spirit world, your guides will be there to meet you. Your guides, along with friends and relatives who have passed on before you, will meet you at the exact moment of your passing. They will be there because, as the event draws near, they know exactly when to expect you. This is because souls do not experience accidents, they create realities.

Not all challenges in life are a part of massive societal shifts. A challenge may just as easily be personal. Something that is, perhaps, chosen as a tool to break up a long-standing blockage within a person’s psyche. It is almost surreal to hear a cancer survivor reflect on their new-found health and say, “Cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me.” What they mean is that the challenge transformed them by releasing old blockages which were cheating them of a fuller life.

We may never know all of the reasons why bad events happen. What we do know is that, in a world which habitually contrasts light and dark, the events which appear bad can often be the greatest opportunities for transformation within ourselves, for those around us and for humanity as a whole.

Who is to say that, at a soul level, we didn’t volunteer to carry a heavy load purely for the love of others? Certainly the most spiritual people can, and do, carry the heaviest loads, and they do so in such a way that their service fills the world with the light of their love.

-------------------

If you are interested, the original article can be found here.

The Laws..

2007-12-29T12:01:00.000+13:00

In my previous post I talked about how I rediscovered the secret and how it was my mother who introduced me to the concept about a decade ago. I've kept those emails for years and I really do go and read through them when my life feels like it's losing focus. I would like to share them with you now, so without further ado...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your soul. This is the part of you that some call the Inner Being or the True Self. It is the part of you that is the culmination of all your past experiences and is very wise and absolutely adores you. She knows you and loves you and is always with you. She is your connection with the Life Force of the Universe. She communicates with you through your emotions. There are only two emotions: good or bad though they may have different names. When you are being true to your self, you are happy, content and even joyful. When you let your true self flow, you are productive, happy, everything goes your way. When you do not let her flow thru you, you are lonely, unhappy, frustrated, etc. When you are feeling negative emotion then you are resisting your true self.

YOU ARE NOT ON THIS EARTH TO PROVE YOURSELF WORTHY OF ANYTHING TO ANYONE!

The only thought important to you are your own thoughts. The only opinions that are important to you are your own opinions. What you think of yourself affects your entire universe. Your natural state is one of health and well-being. You are a powerful being who has chosen to be here in this time. Every day, look for those experiences that make you feel good, that are satisfying to you.

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The Law of Attraction is a funny one. It is your thoughts that do the attracting. It is also your thoughts that do the creating of your reality. The balance of your thoughts up to now is what you are living. That is the balance between the positive and negative thoughts that you have had in the past. It is your thoughts now that create your future. If you direct your thoughts to create the positive things you want in your life, then your actions would follow suit. One good thought attracts other good thoughts which attract other good thoughts, etc. So too do negative thoughts work the same way.

So how come, if I can think and put out there the thoughts of what I want, I get bad stuff. Let's take money for example. I go around a lot saying, I can't get that because I can't afford it or that I don't have enough money and I keep digging myself into a hole. I can say to the universe "I want money!" If I say it because I am feeling the lack of it, then I am attracting more lack, not more money. Attraction happens when there is strong emotional pulling. If I feel bad when I say "I want money!" then I will attract the negative. All of life has both positive and negative to it. The world is constantly balancing itself.

I'll tell you what works for me. I think instead about what I want and I say to the world, ok, I want this. This is why I want it and what I want to do with it and I visualize myself using it and this makes me happy. Then I trust in the world to send me what I want. I allow it to happen and sometimes, I get the money for it, but sometimes, it shows up in unexpected ways. The trick is not to worry about it and to EXPECT it to happen.

Wanting has to come from a happy positive emotion to be positive. When you are feeling good, like when you are listening to music or going for a walk, is when you should think about and say to the world about what you are wanting. Maybe you want to know what you want. That is ok too. Just think about why you want to know this and what you want to accomplish. Anything is possible.

I still have those negative thoughts. You know those ones that come from the critics in you: the little brat who always whines to get her way, the committee that gives you all the SHOULDS and SHAME ON YOU and WHAT WILL THEY THINK?, the mother who never thinks you do anything right, and the old hag who is just plain crazy. I can always tell when I start talking negatively to myself, then I feel bad. Some times I can do that little mind turn, that pivot that gets me going in the right direction. I think about what it is that I really want, why I want it and why I should have it. If I can't do that, I try to think of something else. Try to put that bad stuff out of my mind. Sometimes, I get too busy to even try and then I really get into a state like worrying over money, or eating too much. You know. I am the only one who can create in my reality. When you realize that, it makes you free. When I can get all my thoughts flowing in the same direction, then I feel my power. Everything I am saying to you, you already know. Your Inner Self knows it. Trust in yourself.

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Ok you know the law of attraction and the law of deliberate creating. The last one is the law of allowing, which is basically that each person does his or her own creating. The law is you have to let other people do what they do even if you don't agree with them; even if they are criticizing you or looking at you funny. That is their prerogative. You do not have to be influenced by them. And you can't judge them because you do not know what their truth is. This is a hard law to really take. These three laws are suppose to work even if you do not believe in them and they work all the time whether you are deliberate about creating your world or not. I do not know how much of it I believe. This is what I do believe. That every body and every thing in this world has a balance. That balance is comprised of good and the absence of good. You know the axiom of there is always two sides to a story. In every moment we all have the potential to choose one or the other. This balance is in everything in nature. Light is balanced by dark, yin and yang, hot cold, up down, etc. This balance is actually all of our choices that make anything possible. Some churches want you to believe that anything that they consider as not good is evil. This is a very short sighted view. Take the long view and you will see that the absence of what is thought good is sometimes just another choice another truth. Even Hitler thought he was right. Everyone has got their biases. I am not sure how far you want to take this. Freedom also has its down side.

These laws by the way sound very much like Descartes, with his "I think therefore I am." If you take it to its natural conclusion of - if you create by your thoughts, then you are constantly creating yourself.

Growth is a never ending process. There is no reaching perfection. Only the balancing and rebalancing of each moment. God is not a perfect being that we are all striving to become or achieve. We are always connected to the Life Force and our awareness, attention and focus is that of the Life Force. All of our experience adds to this Energy and
this Energy is there for us to mold our lives with, to create our reality. When we stand in our power and accept and flow in our true selves, we do not need the approval of anyone else. At your age you may still be striving to become. At my age it is good to just be.

It is not necessary for you to believe any of this. That is not my reason for writing all this. You will have to find your own philosophy of your life. I wanted you to know what mine is.

Love, Mom

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Thank you, Mom. I love you as well.

The only thoughts I would like to add are the ones on the Law of Allowing. This Law is not only about allowing others to be whoever they're going to be, this Law is also about trusting the Universe. It is the final step to attracting and deliberate creating. You think positively about something means you deliberately create it. In order to receive your manifestations, you must allow them to happen. It's sort of like ordering something from a catalog, once the order is placed you know that you're going to get it in the mail. It's a done deed. The same is true when you ask the Universe for something. You feel good, you ask it, it's done. The only thing you have to do is wait for it. Time spent fretting about the 'ifs' and 'whens' of something can only delay it from happening. Worrying whether or not it's going to happen is a negative emotion. Doubting something will happen attracts doubt. Trusting that it will happen, will make it happen. If it seems impossible, think that it is possible. Allow it.

-Rhiannon

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What's "The Secret" all about?

2007-12-28T10:38:00.000+13:00

The book and movie by Rhonda Byrne were inspired from a book that was created 100 years ago by a Wallace D. Wattles entitled "The Science of Getting Rich". If you would like to read this book, you can do so on-line here.

The Secret discusses the Law of Attraction and how harnessing it can help you create your life the way you want it to be. This may be a new concept for many people but it is a very good idea to hold in your thoughts. The Law of Attraction is something that was introduced to me over 10 years ago by my mother. She is and has always been a sources of spiritual inspiration for me and I will be forever grateful for her many contributions of 'the divine' in my life.

She wrote me a series of emails about three laws that govern the universe. The first is the Law of Attraction, then the Law of Deliberate Creating, and the Law of Allowing. These three laws work in synergism to help to create each of our lives. They are at work whether or not we believe in them or not.

I saved these emails and over the years I have shared them with people who needed to change their mindset about life. They have been read with an open mind and the people I shared them with have been truly grateful.

I went through a bad time in my life and I was constantly thinking negatively about all of the things that have gone wrong and why they went wrong. It was a really poor way to think about things and I had forgotten about the Laws my mother shared with me. It was a deep hole of thought that I believe my inner self was trying to climb out from.

I walked into a store and decided to browse the book racks. I saw a little book called "The Secret" and sort of laughed and wondered what the 'big secret' was? I opened it up and began reading. I suddenly realized just how my negative thoughts were affecting my life and how me wanting to dig myself out of the mess had brought me back in touch with the Laws.

My mindset changed and I realized that if I wanted to be happy, there was nothing stopping me but myself.

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