Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Where the hell am I going in this life?

It's that time again for me. Questions about my life plague me.

Why am I not a veterinarian right now? It's been 6 months since I could be one.
Why haven't I applied to more jobs?
What is holding me back?
Why am I hesitating?
What the hell am I doing with my life?

In February I moved from Palmerston North to the beautiful Hawkes Bay to pick apples. The tentative plan was to pick apples while looking for a vet job. The apple picking was a job that would be very easy to walk away from, hence why I did it. It is now July and I am still working with the same seasonal job, but I've moved on to grape pruning at a vineyard. What the hell?

Recently, I started truly questioning why I haven't moved on to what I should be doing. I borrowed a book from the library entitled, "What color is you parachute" which is a guide to getting a job. One of the exercises in it looked at what my passions are in life and asked a series of questions to try to define said passions. What I came up with sort of shocked me, because the answers had nothing to do with being a veterinarian and had everything to do with deepening my understanding about my spirituality, about traveling, and about helping people understand their own spirituality.

It answered the question about why I'm still not a veterinarian. If I can't put my heart into something 100%, I'm not going to make the effort into trying to make it happen.

This morning I decided I was totally stuck on a wall, one side was attaining a vet job, the other was to completely go for deepening my spiritual understanding of myself and of the universe. This afternoon I got a call from an old friend of mine who is a recent veterinarian. She had just come back from an interview for a job that totally made her think of me. We had a long discussion on the job and on where I was with getting one. She reminded me of what she said to me a while ago, she doesn't know if this is what she wants to do for the rest of her life, but she is giving it a go because she has the training and the skills to do the job.

Wait a second, I am in the same mind-set as her. Yet, she is out there making something of herself while I am not. It has snapped me out of my funk somewhat.

Being a vet will not hamper my spiritual growth. If anything, it will enhance it because it will be a whole new challenge. It will give me the mental stimulation that I have been craving since February and it will allow me to see what I am made of.

I have always believed that following my heart is the best thing I can do, because it won't steer me wrong. I also believe that there is no such things as coincidences. The Universe is giving me the opportunity to embark on an exciting path in my life and I would like to utilize this opportunity. So I will.

My heart has been fuzzy to me lately, nothing has been crystal clear to me as it has in the past. I believe that when I finally clear away those cobwebs, the answer will be staring me in the face.

Where did I leave that broom?